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Green Eyes, A Glorious Mess

Shady Eyes

I am a mess. I am a technicolor, gloriously messy mess. Life is horrible, life is grand, life is painful and beautiful and dizzying. I am crushed. I am on fire. And right now I am steeped with equal amounts of passion, confusion, hopefulness, and pain.

I've been away from home for a long time.

I've really only been back 'home', and away from my best friend, for a matter of days... It's been only a matter of days since I found out the person I was (technically) married to had just erased themselves from my life while I was out of town... I am still reeling from a million little bits of life-asskickery that have been flying left and right.

I've been doing all the 'normal' things... crying, fuming, getting frustrated, packing, feeling betrayed, crying some more (see my worn-out cryin' eyes up there??) Wondering what exactly is gonna happen for me next. It looks like I will have to move out of here and move in with my Gramma for awhile. This whole situation is skeeeery as s**t for me. I'd rather go inside a 'haunted' abandoned house or a lonesome old cemetery at night, k???

But in the midst of all of this uncertainty... I feel...... freedom. A sense of hope. A chance. For what? I dunno! Something, though....

Something...

I am my own person again. I can say whatever I want about whatever I feel. My marriage was just in paper only for about 5/6 of the entire thing (his choice, not mine) And a confusion of loyalty, responsibility, and 'friendship' prompted me to stay with him no matter what, and to keep any of our problems on the inside, away from all outside eyes and ears. I've been loyally bound inside of that responsibility for years and years.

But, he left. He just... left. Walked right away from whatever responsibilities bound us without a backward glance. So now I am... free. I am free... whoa.

Yes... I am a mess right now. I have a whoooole lot of things left for me to figure out, right out of the blue. But... then again... blue is my favorite color.
*teeny smile*

|[...to you: you know how I feel about you... I love you & you love me too... one day I will say it publicly... say what I feel, openly, x 3...]|

...and now, a totally random icon:

Ooh looky it's the totally random, ever-changing icon o' fun!!

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Comments

( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
addison555
May. 15th, 2006 12:30 pm (UTC)
a none of my business post
first....beautiful eyes

second...I don't know you, but I feel some empathy for anyone going thru what you are. Of course no words can really help you, but I do hope after time goes by you see yourself as smarter, stronger, ....and still beautiful.

*men can really suck sometimes...I know...I am one. : )
dreamsrundeep
May. 15th, 2006 12:36 pm (UTC)
Wow. Shady, I had no idea all of this was going on. Net hugs from strangers don't always help, but --> ::hug::

Here's hoping for a great big silver lining for you. Freedom to explore where you never thought you would go and confidence to remember what an amazing person you are.
bound_gagged
May. 15th, 2006 12:50 pm (UTC)
You know, even when you've been sad and crying for Gods only know how long - you are still beautiful *swoons* :)

I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said "freedom" to do/say/feel what you want to right now after so long. As alien as it might seem - and at times fucked up - it is a postive step towards something you deserve. Which is utter happiness. Ya know, when you hit rock bottom and you cant go any further down - they only place to go is up! I wish you the best, Shady dear..*hugs* You're doing a great job hanging in there - dont let go yet!!!
lrp57
May. 15th, 2006 01:13 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
Shady..
I'm a guy and i know how we are. We can be some of the biggest jerks, louses that God ever created. Yet we can be the most loving and suppportive. I wont say I know how deeply you feel, all the emotions that you have. I do know tho, that you do have the inner heart and strength to come out of this stronger, wiser and more enriched.

Easy? No. Sucky? At times. But as you say, you are now free to be the woman, person...the Shady you want to be. There are many here who love, care and support you and will be here no matter what.

I wish I could give you a hug and time to just listen to you...sometimes, having that ear means a lot...I know. I think all of us here are willing to do that.

Betrayal is never a fun thing. That's why I never married...once burned...twice shy.

Take care of the heart and soul that is yours. You are loved and have more support than you could ever realize....*hugs*...see ya around :)
_boxinghelena
May. 15th, 2006 01:42 pm (UTC)
Gorgeous eyes!!

I know it's scary but you are free!!! Again, I'm really sorry for all that's been happening lately. I never knew there were problems in your marriage. In fact I thought you had a super strong one like mine. *hugs*
ozgenre
May. 15th, 2006 02:00 pm (UTC)
I said it in your 360, and I'll say it here. You ahve friends here, and we're here to listen - and to give support.
lrdblasko
May. 15th, 2006 02:39 pm (UTC)
I barely know you.

But I can relate.

That you feel that sense of freedom is an excellent sign that you're healing. There's still lots to do; I'm sure you know. But you're gonna be ok.

I'm sending good thoughts your way. Zombies with flowers and such.
eatstoomuchjam
May. 15th, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC)
Michigan Central Station!
lrdblasko
May. 16th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC)
Good eye. Yeah, that's MCS, one of my favorite abandoned places. There's a larger version of that picture in my LJ, if you want it.
eatstoomuchjam
May. 18th, 2006 08:37 pm (UTC)
Heh. Thanks, but I have plenty of pictures of my own pictures of MCS. I love that place!
sextanika
May. 15th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
In the end Shady everything will work out. And you'll be stronger because of it. You're incredibly strong. I know you'll come out awesome after all this bullshit is over. ::HUGS:: Love ya baby girl!
jaydedfaerie
May. 15th, 2006 05:24 pm (UTC)
yes, beautiful eyes!

I can't believe you guys are having such problems! if you ever need to talk, you know how to find me. "HUG"
queenofdarkmoon
May. 16th, 2006 02:40 am (UTC)
You know Shady i know that feeling of freedom its overwhelming and incredible. Things come to an end i believe because youve learned what u needed with that person/situation sometimes we try to stretch the situation as far as possible because we are afraid to end it ourselves or are afraid of taking that first step. Sadly for you that step was taken without consulting u or taking your feelings in to consideration. On the upside comes the freedon of a new beginning what awaits you is all up to you cherish that feeling and take that giant leap into what is now YOUR life. :)
gingerdoll
May. 16th, 2006 06:11 am (UTC)
Though I've just become acquainted with you, I'm very sorry to hear about this!
I hope everything works out for the best!
I hope that soon you will feel comfortable with your new-found freedom.
Hang in there!
leadbox
May. 17th, 2006 02:22 am (UTC)
I'm not sure what to say besides *hug*....and I wish my eyes were as gorgeous as yours.

p.s. i got around to 'adding' you onto my friends list rather than stalking your journal via (one of way too many) a bookmark. hope you don't mind.
(Anonymous)
May. 19th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Keep hanging in there, Mon Cheri
Shady,
I was horrified to hear of your plight. (Sorry I am not responding sooner, I only access your site from work (but don't tell anyone, k?)) and I don't' have internet at home unless the neighbor leaves their high-speed on for me to bogart via wireless....;)
I realize you don't know me from Adam, but I am the guy who left you a response on 3-24-06 @ 04:30 UTC. The post that mentioned the fact you are a light shining through the dregs of the net, which was ironic because you are named Shady.
I have to admit my heart went pitty-pat when you acknowledged that this was one of the most wonderful things anyone had ever said to you. I am, one among many, who loves you and cares about you without even meeting you (someday???? :) )
As I said before, you don't know me but for a couple of replies here and there. But I want you to know that if you EVER, EVER, EEVVEERRR(!!!!!) need anything ($$$, cyber-hugs, a shoulder to cry on, etc.), I am here for you as are the other millions of your fans. As we revel in your beauty (outside AND inside!) and light, so should you. You would not have as many cyber pals as you do if you weren't such a good and loving person.
I just want to let you know we are here for you and will remain so. Contact me via Yahoo, if you want/need. I'm at godrulz777pdx@yahoo.com.
You are not alone. You hang in there, you delightful lil' pixie!
doublejinxed
May. 25th, 2006 03:43 pm (UTC)
hi- I just wanted to introduce myself- My name is Noelle- I saw your lost destinations website linked from Ghoststudy, and I loved it- I spent hours looking at all your pictures (and I haven't even gone through them all yet)

boxinghelena was just talking about visiting a desterted orphanage, and I referred her to your site, and she told me that you have a Livejournal account, so I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind if I added you.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )