I am a mess. I am a technicolor, gloriously messy mess. Life is horrible, life is grand, life is painful and beautiful and dizzying. I am crushed. I am on fire. And right now I am steeped with equal amounts of passion, confusion, hopefulness, and pain.
I've been away from home for a long time.
I've really only been back 'home', and away from my best friend, for a matter of days... It's been only a matter of days since I found out the person I was (technically) married to had just erased themselves from my life while I was out of town... I am still reeling from a million little bits of life-asskickery that have been flying left and right.
I've been doing all the 'normal' things... crying, fuming, getting frustrated, packing, feeling betrayed, crying some more (see my worn-out cryin' eyes up there??) Wondering what exactly is gonna happen for me next. It looks like I will have to move out of here and move in with my Gramma for awhile. This whole situation is skeeeery as s**t for me. I'd rather go inside a 'haunted' abandoned house or a lonesome old cemetery at night, k???
But in the midst of all of this uncertainty... I feel...... freedom. A sense of hope. A chance. For what? I dunno! Something, though....
I am my own person again. I can say whatever I want about whatever I feel. My marriage was just in paper only for about 5/6 of the entire thing (his choice, not mine) And a confusion of loyalty, responsibility, and 'friendship' prompted me to stay with him no matter what, and to keep any of our problems on the inside, away from all outside eyes and ears. I've been loyally bound inside of that responsibility for years and years.
But, he left. He just... left. Walked right away from whatever responsibilities bound us without a backward glance. So now I am... free. I am free... whoa.
Yes... I am a mess right now. I have a whoooole lot of things left for me to figure out, right out of the blue. But... then again... blue is my favorite color.
|[...to you: you know how I feel about you... I love you & you love me too... one day I will say it publicly... say what I feel, openly, x 3...]|
...and now, a totally random icon:
- Current Mood: exhausted
- Current Music:Cure- Love Song