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Green Eyes, A Glorious Mess

Shady Eyes

I am a mess. I am a technicolor, gloriously messy mess. Life is horrible, life is grand, life is painful and beautiful and dizzying. I am crushed. I am on fire. And right now I am steeped with equal amounts of passion, confusion, hopefulness, and pain.

I've been away from home for a long time.

I've really only been back 'home', and away from my best friend, for a matter of days... It's been only a matter of days since I found out the person I was (technically) married to had just erased themselves from my life while I was out of town... I am still reeling from a million little bits of life-asskickery that have been flying left and right.

I've been doing all the 'normal' things... crying, fuming, getting frustrated, packing, feeling betrayed, crying some more (see my worn-out cryin' eyes up there??) Wondering what exactly is gonna happen for me next. It looks like I will have to move out of here and move in with my Gramma for awhile. This whole situation is skeeeery as s**t for me. I'd rather go inside a 'haunted' abandoned house or a lonesome old cemetery at night, k???

But in the midst of all of this uncertainty... I feel...... freedom. A sense of hope. A chance. For what? I dunno! Something, though....

Something...

I am my own person again. I can say whatever I want about whatever I feel. My marriage was just in paper only for about 5/6 of the entire thing (his choice, not mine) And a confusion of loyalty, responsibility, and 'friendship' prompted me to stay with him no matter what, and to keep any of our problems on the inside, away from all outside eyes and ears. I've been loyally bound inside of that responsibility for years and years.

But, he left. He just... left. Walked right away from whatever responsibilities bound us without a backward glance. So now I am... free. I am free... whoa.

Yes... I am a mess right now. I have a whoooole lot of things left for me to figure out, right out of the blue. But... then again... blue is my favorite color.
*teeny smile*

|[...to you: you know how I feel about you... I love you & you love me too... one day I will say it publicly... say what I feel, openly, x 3...]|

...and now, a totally random icon:

Ooh looky it's the totally random, ever-changing icon o' fun!!

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Comments

lrp57
May. 15th, 2006 01:13 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
Shady..
I'm a guy and i know how we are. We can be some of the biggest jerks, louses that God ever created. Yet we can be the most loving and suppportive. I wont say I know how deeply you feel, all the emotions that you have. I do know tho, that you do have the inner heart and strength to come out of this stronger, wiser and more enriched.

Easy? No. Sucky? At times. But as you say, you are now free to be the woman, person...the Shady you want to be. There are many here who love, care and support you and will be here no matter what.

I wish I could give you a hug and time to just listen to you...sometimes, having that ear means a lot...I know. I think all of us here are willing to do that.

Betrayal is never a fun thing. That's why I never married...once burned...twice shy.

Take care of the heart and soul that is yours. You are loved and have more support than you could ever realize....*hugs*...see ya around :)

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lostshady
Shady, Shady, tattooed lady
Lost Destinations

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