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Green Eyes, A Glorious Mess

Shady Eyes

I am a mess. I am a technicolor, gloriously messy mess. Life is horrible, life is grand, life is painful and beautiful and dizzying. I am crushed. I am on fire. And right now I am steeped with equal amounts of passion, confusion, hopefulness, and pain.

I've been away from home for a long time.

I've really only been back 'home', and away from my best friend, for a matter of days... It's been only a matter of days since I found out the person I was (technically) married to had just erased themselves from my life while I was out of town... I am still reeling from a million little bits of life-asskickery that have been flying left and right.

I've been doing all the 'normal' things... crying, fuming, getting frustrated, packing, feeling betrayed, crying some more (see my worn-out cryin' eyes up there??) Wondering what exactly is gonna happen for me next. It looks like I will have to move out of here and move in with my Gramma for awhile. This whole situation is skeeeery as s**t for me. I'd rather go inside a 'haunted' abandoned house or a lonesome old cemetery at night, k???

But in the midst of all of this uncertainty... I feel...... freedom. A sense of hope. A chance. For what? I dunno! Something, though....

Something...

I am my own person again. I can say whatever I want about whatever I feel. My marriage was just in paper only for about 5/6 of the entire thing (his choice, not mine) And a confusion of loyalty, responsibility, and 'friendship' prompted me to stay with him no matter what, and to keep any of our problems on the inside, away from all outside eyes and ears. I've been loyally bound inside of that responsibility for years and years.

But, he left. He just... left. Walked right away from whatever responsibilities bound us without a backward glance. So now I am... free. I am free... whoa.

Yes... I am a mess right now. I have a whoooole lot of things left for me to figure out, right out of the blue. But... then again... blue is my favorite color.
*teeny smile*

|[...to you: you know how I feel about you... I love you & you love me too... one day I will say it publicly... say what I feel, openly, x 3...]|

...and now, a totally random icon:

Ooh looky it's the totally random, ever-changing icon o' fun!!

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Comments

(Anonymous)
May. 19th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Keep hanging in there, Mon Cheri
Shady,
I was horrified to hear of your plight. (Sorry I am not responding sooner, I only access your site from work (but don't tell anyone, k?)) and I don't' have internet at home unless the neighbor leaves their high-speed on for me to bogart via wireless....;)
I realize you don't know me from Adam, but I am the guy who left you a response on 3-24-06 @ 04:30 UTC. The post that mentioned the fact you are a light shining through the dregs of the net, which was ironic because you are named Shady.
I have to admit my heart went pitty-pat when you acknowledged that this was one of the most wonderful things anyone had ever said to you. I am, one among many, who loves you and cares about you without even meeting you (someday???? :) )
As I said before, you don't know me but for a couple of replies here and there. But I want you to know that if you EVER, EVER, EEVVEERRR(!!!!!) need anything ($$$, cyber-hugs, a shoulder to cry on, etc.), I am here for you as are the other millions of your fans. As we revel in your beauty (outside AND inside!) and light, so should you. You would not have as many cyber pals as you do if you weren't such a good and loving person.
I just want to let you know we are here for you and will remain so. Contact me via Yahoo, if you want/need. I'm at godrulz777pdx@yahoo.com.
You are not alone. You hang in there, you delightful lil' pixie!

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lostshady
Shady, Shady, tattooed lady
Lost Destinations

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