'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom --Anais Nin'



So, by now whoever read the last post knows about me getting hit. For the record- yes, it was a male that did the hitting. I am still in California, but I am safe right now. I will be heading home veryvery soon (thanks to an amazingly good person who donated some get-home money to me, and wishes to remain anonymous)

This has obviously been a really rough (in every sense) experience. It has caused major turmoil in my life and brought up a lot of things from my past that are hard to bear. My face still hurts, physically (though the swelling is going down) My heart still feels fragmented. My mind is still reeling, but I am thinking straighter now. I have been thinking a LOT, in fact. I guess that would go without saying.

I am not one to forgive physical violence, never have been. As I said in my last post, I was physically abused by a stepfather when I was young... and watched my Mom go through it even worse than we did... it left me with nothing but disgust for anyone who uses violence as a means to deal with issues. Especially someone bigger/stronger pounding away on someone smaller/weaker. All of my life I have had a No(F'ing-way)-Tolerance policy toward that kind of behavior. I avoid it, I cut off anyone who shows any signs of it, I thought it was something I would never, ever have to deal with again. Apparently I thought wrong. Let me say- there were absolutely no signs of this beforehand. And a lot of factors went into it, none of which I really can talk about here. Perhaps someday, when things are resolved, I can explain this more. But not yet.

There are no excuses for what happened. But life is never, ever simple (duh) As much as this should be an easy, b & w issue for me, I'm finding out that this time it is not. This whole thing is much more complicated than, again, what I am at liberty to say here. I have a lot of things to work out in my mind, and in my life. Things that have gone to the wayside as I have been sinking further into work, travel, and other distractions. I thought I was taking life one day at a time. And, in a way I have been... which has actually blinded me to the Big Picture. And the picture is this- while my online relationships are mostly clearly defined and emotionally stable, my IRL ones are not. Not even close. There are a lot of things relating to them that have to be attended to. NOW.

I wandered outside yesterday, after who-knows-how many hours of numbness, and brain-chaos... and my eye was caught by this single flare of color that looked like a flame nestled in the green. It was the beautiful rose above, which I shot that picture of. I stopped, and just stared at it for the longest time... the fiery blossom hypnotizing me... soothing me... I was thinking about how flowers blossom over and over... thinking about the concept of 'blossoming'... thinking about the name my Mom gave me at birth- 'Heather'- also a blossom... even thinking about the Heather character in Highlander (one of my favorite characters in that film), who was called 'Blossom' as an affectionate nickname by her immortal lover. Blossom. The very word itself suggests such possibility, such chance for renewal. Inspiring me to move ahead with my life... inspiring me to renew, and to open up to change.

I need to blossom now.

I will be ok. The smallest beginings of a plan have been formulating. The first thing I need to do is get back home, which will be happening very soon. Once home, I have a whole lot of life issues to deal with... a whole lot. But, for the first time, I see the tiniest glimmer of light and the end of a (hopefully old, abandoned and maybe even haunted??) tunnel. As long as it's not an oncoming train, haha.

I didn't want to put any specifics about the hitting incident out here in the public, and I still don't, so this is difficult for me to explain. The reason why? So many of these unresolved situations in my life right now involve other people, it's complex, and their issues and their privacy are a consideration of mine. Especially because so many things in my personal life are up in the air right now... it's not something I can go into any detail about without also involving others that I do not want to involve in a public forum. These are some of the things I need to work out when I get back home.

So, I will say this: I am safe, I am ok. I am heading back home. I have gathered my strength, and I am going to come through this. I have a lot to face in upcoming months, but I also have my hope back. I have felt the smashing pain of rock bottom and have no desire to be here again. And I know many things need to change in order for that to happen.

_boxinghelena, bob_bobinson, anodyne19148, groovy_violet, alexlucard, ninevah, gedion_ki, batchix, bound_gagged, gervgirl, das_hydra, fenrir1981, moggs, direwraithe, kgm13, sunlitx, Marci, Liason, and H.E.A.L.- THANK YOU... thank you for your words, your love, your support, your kindness, your wisdom. Thank you for being there for me, in one of the lowest moments of my life. Thank you for caring. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for thinking of me. Your network of concern and care have helped to pull me back up from the void, have given me the power to do what I need to get done. I value each and every one of you beyond measure. Thank you for being there for me.

Raysie, Casper, & ETMJ- you guys will never, ever know how much I love you. I can't express it in words. I only hope that I can repay your friendship in turn, with the same degree of amazingness you have shown to me. Hearing your voices on the phone, having your words via IM to give me strength... the value is immeasurable to me. I love you guys.

Again- I will be ok. I promise you all- I will be safe, I will be smart, I will be home soon. Ready to face the changes, ready to blossom.

*ad astra per aspera*