My latest creation for Raysie's 360 Not-So-Secret-Secrets project (aka N3S)...



OK, when I found out the topic was 'Spirituality' on this one, my first reaction was pretty much... "oh, crap". I admit, I was stumped. It's a very complicated subject for me. Anyway, I think my N3S postcard sums it up. At least as much as it can be summed up, at this point in my life (oh and as soon as Lobo saw this, he was like, "See this is why people call you Gawth"... lol)

For those not in the know, N3S is a project Raysie started, inspired by the PostSecret site. Postsecret is all about anonymity. N3S is all about publicly posting a secret that you secretly want everyone to know. The format is 'postcards'. The project is goin' on over at 360. Check out the link up there, above my postcard, for the N3S lowdown or if you wanna join in.

Oh and I am keeping an archive of my N3S postcards here, if you are interested.

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Don't worry- I won't shoot. But so many people have been asking me if that's a real gun in my 360 userpic... it's not. It's a cigarette lighter! Now in this pic- THAT is a gun...

*said in best Crocodile Dundee voice*


(click pic for the biggie version)

Anyway, back on topic... tonight was a greeeeat chat, yeah baby, yeahhhhh!!

Though Markus wasn't able to make it- he was working- the regular nutjobs were there (well, some of us... *ahem Rep... SlimJim... Lllloyd... et al*)... Lobo and I, of course... as well as RaysieDaisy, sextanika, and dameelysia... and we had some NEW Diner chatters- woo hoo!- warm welcomes to bound_gagged, eatstoomuchjam, ozgenre, direwraithe, bob_bobinson, and gervgirl! We had a lovely, slightly-insane yet incredibly FUN conversation, covering such diverse topics as... giant beef sticks... Tom Waits... Hasselhoff Recursion Sickness... the musical stylin's of DJ Bubba (a'yup)... Anasazi ruins... Tarentella balcony-dancing... ghost-hunting... Diner moderator super-powers (bell ringing, woo!)... The Forbidden Zone & Oingo Boingo... and last but definitely not least... na-na-na-na-nananana.... Octocock! (and his sidekicks- Dodecapenis & Sexdecatit, which may or may not be long lost Zelda monsters that didn't make it past beta testing)...

All-in-all, it was a superfun night, and a fabulous time was had by all. Hope to see you guys back in the Diner next week- and hey- some of you who haven't been yet, too- come join in next time! We don't bite... hard.

(...and remember- the Lost Diner is also a free-for-all posting forum with tons of topics, and it's open 24-7... you can join in the fun that way as well, anytime.. *wink*)

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Love Poem #1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Come take my hand,
This is me, breathing
Chasing the rain,
And all that I'm feeling
Removing the mask,
To reveal the seething
Unveiling for you,
Believe what you're seeing
You are a key,
Unlock my unfolding
You touch my face
As we begin kissing
Inside of me,
Your music is singing
Your name on my tongue
Has the deepness of praying
Come, take my hand,
It is time for believing

--by Shady


...and only days after I tell you all that I am not really all that 'Gawth'- sha-BAMM!- I go and post a most gothtastic pic & poem... you just never know what I'mma gonna do, do ya?? Hrrm me either. LOL...

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I've been sick again. Oi....



This is something I usually don't write about publicly... when I do write of it, it's usually cloaked in vagueness about 'not feeling well' or posted behind a Friends-Only entry. And lately, I have just wondered... why? Do I fear people will see me as 'less' if I reveal what is wrong with me? Am I afraid of seeming 'weak', or defective?

I think that's all a part of it.

I get angry sometimes that getting ill keeps me from doing the stuff I wanna do, even though (luckily) my symptoms come and go and are not constant. But when they come, it sure does suu-uuu-uuuck.

Yesterday, I started to feel bad... I was freezing cold, even though I was bundled in blankets, in a La-Z-Boy style chair that heats up, sitting right next to the fireplace... I was shivering and felt so icy-cold. Yet at the same time, I was sweating. Lobo was really worried, he thought I might have a fever, so he took my temperature... and rather than being high, my body temp was below normal. My body was just all messed up. Weak, shaking, and with vision blurred... I suffered it throughout the entire night. Even later, when I was buried under 3 thick comforters, the horrible coldness would not cease.

I've alluded to the fact that I have a chronic illness here before. But I never go into details. And I'm tired of being embarrassed/ashamed of what I have always percieved as my 'weakness'...

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with a condition that is affected by my pancreas- see, my pancreas is a piece of crap. It does not process insulin like it should. This leads to all kinds of blood-sugar issues (and eventually, will most likely blossom into full-blown diabetes... which my family has a history of)... if I don't eat right, or sleep enough, or sometimes just from nothing at all, my body goes all whacked-out on me.

What happened yesterday was prolly the result of my blood sugar being screwed up.

There is nothing I can really do about it; I've lived with it for 16 years now. I've been in and out of hospitals (when it's gotten bad) more times than I could ever count. I hate that when I get sick, I am like a baby, dependent on others to take care of me, unable to do everything on my own. Unable to do everything that I want to do. Unable to control my own body, which seems like such treachery from within, and sometimes makes me feel SO WEAK.

But I am trying to change my views. I never asked for the screwed up pancreas- "Oh, wait, can I get one of those defective ones instead...? K Thnx..." And, I am trying to focus more on what I have been capable of doing, despite my physical limitations... all the travels, and the experiences... the discoveries I have made, the friends that I have found. All of this, despite my illness. I am trying, really trying, to see these as triumphs over my issues, rather than concentrate on how they sometimes rob me of my freedom, independence, and health.

So I guess what I am saying is- yes, I have weaknesses. And I guess it is OK. I have never given up on life, pissed off though I may have gotten through the years. And, I guess that is something. In some ways, it's everything...

Thanks for listening.

*steps out of confessional*

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[click to enlarge]

He (Richard Ramirez) is from my hometown, I know some of his relatives. He likes to be called 'Ritchie'. He's always been very polite to me.

(It started out as 'research' for a true crime book that I was writing about a different series of crimes, I wanted to find out why someone would do such a thing. He never wanted to talk about that, though. We only ever talked about fairly mundane things.)

Another creation for RaysieDaisy's Not-So-Secret-Secrets Project (this time it was freestylie theme)

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(Oh yes that is me in a real straitjacket- no PS shenanigans required this time. Heh)

I am a muy mucho head-case right now. I have been so freakin' lost/confused/harried lately (consumed with working on deadline, far away from home, missing loved ones, having really messed up sleep patterns, eating issues, and so on, and so on, and so forth...)

I don't know if I am coming or going, I barely recognize myself these days, I'm losing that sense of 'self'... I feel like I need to get to a shrink, pronto. Oi.
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go... I wanna be sedated... La la la la...

*slaps forehead*

But alas, I am too cheap (read: BROKE) to pay for analysis. So will you guys help me out??

Ok, please visit this page here real quick. That's my interactive 'Johari Window' (a model for mapping personality awareness). All you have to do is pick 5-6 words from the bunch that, in your opinion, describe me....

Yeah yeah I know this isn't serious 'therapy'... just a little harmless introspection fun. And I'm really interested in what you guys think, and how you'll answer... *wiggles eyebrows*

(Also, you can make your own Johari Window from that link. If you do, comment here with the link and I will participate in yours, too)

Theeees couldt be veddy, veddy innnteresting...

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I've been wanting to do it for years. Ever since I first saw Sinead O Connor, and how beautiful she looked with her brave, bald head. And now, after much trepidation, and many many (MANY) years of chickening out... I have finally done it...

I took the leap, and shaved it all off! Lobo has clippers, and I figured- why not? Man, it was scary at first to see my beyond-waist-length hair falling to the floor around me. But damn- I feel so sexy and liberated now!!!



So, here I am, naked head for the world to see. I love it! I took some more pictures from different angles and stuff... check them out behind the cut...

( looky- more pics of my new look here! )

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'All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray... I've been for a walk on a winter's day... I'd be safe and warm if I was in... errrm, wait a minute...'



Ah, those lovely warm California evenings (back in September no less!) when Lobo & I hung out on the back porch swing...

WTF happened?? OK... it's nearly April now. S'posed to be springtime, and all that... right? But it's still freaking freezing here in Riverside. I haven't gotten to lounge on that fabulous porch swing even once yet (as it's been cold & soggy)...

Phooey!!

They keep telling me that it's freak weather, that CA should be warm/sunny by now. But this damned little black raincloud followed us from Arizona all the way here, and it hasn't cleared up yet. Oh, we did have that one deceitful day of bright sunshine... the day I ran outside and sang, "Yay, yay!" while dancing the Happy Banana Dance and tossing flowers all around. But the rainy, icy weather came back the very next day. Ugh.

I am beginning to have a faint suspicion of who is behind all of this.........



.....BLAST YOU, Snow Miser!!! *shakes fist* I am gonna hunt you down, and beat your scrawny, cold-making ARSE! Knock it off!!!!!!

*deep breath... get hold of self...*

Well, anyway, because of the nasty weather (gives that cold mofo another dirty look)... I have not been able to get out and photograph, ghost-bust, explore anything spooky, check out anything abandoned, or any of that other fun stuff. Frustrating!

But I will still be out here for a little while longer, so I am just hoping that this crazy coldness will clear up before I have to head home.

*sneaks another PO-ed look at the Snow-Mising bastiche*

I am keeping my fingers crossed for warmth. And as always, I will keep you guys informed of my (mis?)adventures. If it's sunny where you are, soak some of it up for me, ok?

*wanders off to look for Heat Miser.....*

Poll #700644
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 19

What should I do with that Snow Meiser SOB if I catch him?

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Ok, time for a little self-embarassment. I hear it's good for the soul (and I have no soul... I just cannot dance to the R&B music for the life of me)

Inspired by Sucka's 360 challenge (which I found through Missy's adorable-larious response to said challenge), I am gonna show you some of my more, errm, goofy moments of dorkdom past (and lucky for you guys I am in CA and not at home... ohhhh the awful pics I have in my old photo albums!)

Now behold, Shadys... wee and young... dorky and more so...



OK obviously I was a teeny-weeny bambino here. I sure do look happy about something. But WTF happened to my right arm...?! And I think I was drooling on myself. Extra embarassment points for that?



That's me on the right, with the ridiculous checkered, overly ruffled clown-looking outfit. Geez! And, then, the dorky b-day hat adds some more geek-chic to the shot. But I think the overstuffed, hamster-style mouthful of cake adds the final embarassing touch.



Ah, my childhood hippydippy days. Note: (homemade!) sock monkey in arms. The bellbottom pants were hand-embroidered by my Mom, herself a bona fide hippy. And what a shirt! Many a tablecloth gave their lives to create that shirt.

*moment of silence for the tablecloths*



Ah, here we have my world-renowned flamingo impersonation. Not many people know that I was lost in the wilds of... ummm.... San Diego Zoo as a child, and was raised by flamingoes for a few important formative years. It took many years to re-teach me to stand on both legs after I was discovered and returned to civilization.



Here I am with a rare big ol' smile on my face. This is the infamous pic that inspired my favorite hand-drawn xmas card ever... see, looky here. And now looky here for the card's punchline... lmao (thanks Dan, you crazy Aussie!) The, errmm, bar dancing incident is a whooole 'nother story. But, I digress.



..alll I want fer Christmas is my two front... eh, you know the rest. Stylin' hat and coat combo, hey? I think I'd still wear it today. And don't make fun of my undersized snow-woman (with sand-for-hair and rocks-for-eyes/nose)! I grew up in the desert, what do you want from me.



And here, we enter my teenage years (maybe 16?). Oi. The dress is awful enough, but the hair was not much better. And I will admit, I was in a BAR, in Juarez, Mexico, in the afternoon, when I should have been in school. Bad girl. I blame the two peer-pressurers flanking me for my bad, bad behavior. And that goof-a-delic smile! *covers face in hands*



Now, you woulda thought that by age 18-ish, I would have known better than to climb towering monuments in the middle of the night (*ahem*... while drunk) Loooove the over-sized baggy t-shirt. Tres chic. I look like I'm just hoping I won't fall, crack my noggin and miss the Flock Of Seagulls show.



And, last but not least... a college- yes, college- shot. Note the way way way shorter hair w/bangs. For some reason this guy wanted me to hold up this stuffed Grover doll while he took my pic. I think he was just trying to distract me enough to get a shot up my skirt. Ah, the ol' Grover Tactic! Unfortunately for him, I was wise to his tricksy tricks. And why the Hell wasn't I... you know... IN CLASS??

And there you have it. A small pictorial journey through some of the dorkier moments in my life.

*curtseys*

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[click pic for large version]

This is my 'postcard' creation for my dear RaysieDaisy's awesome Not-So-Secret-Secrets 360 project (inspired by the awesome PostSecret site) As long as I participate in this, I will be posting my 'cards' in my LJ Scrapbook. For posterity, or something.

The theme for this one was 'green'. As I meditated on an idea for it, this sentence and image just rose into my mind, stuck in my head, and insisted on being created. I know it's kinda sad, but this is what I came up with. It is straight from the ♥

The bluest eyes in Texas are haunting me tonight,
Like the stars that fill the midnight sky
Her memory fills my mind...

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I just wanna say a big ol' THAAAANKS to all of my wonderful friends for the encouraging responses to my last (venting rant of a) post. You guys rock... \m/ \m/

To update on the situation, I am still a bit homesick, and still not feeling super-great physically... but emotionally, I feel tons better. I never expected to wake up to find such a collection of sweet, wise, funny, thoughtful, cheering, and just plain loving words.

And here is the kicker. Remember the subject of that post... (Flower, the pain will wash away, away... When the sun shines... taken from Smashing Pumpkins lyrics btw)..? Well, it has been f-f-f-freezing cold and raining since I got to CA (which has added to my sense of isolation)... which is part of the reason I chose that line (yeah, that, and the fact that I am named after a flower, heh). Anyway... when I woke up today- it was to find the big yellow sun shining bright and warm for the first time since I got here...!

Hooray! I am definitely taking this as a sign... *smile*

Thanks again to all who helped to cheer me up. I lurve you guys ever-so-much. Hugs all around!!!

"If you wake up and don't want to smile, If it takes just a little while, Open your eyes and look at the day, You'll see things in a different way..."

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...I just had such awful, horrid nightmares last night (prolly due to that way-toooo-big bowl of ice cream I scarfed down before sleeping- bad idea!)... I went to bed with a stummy ache (yes- I call it stummy... I mean, it's not a TOMACH, is it...?) So, anyway, had nightmares and woke up feeling yucky and thus needed a dose of the fuzzy, kitteny goodness...

This picture did the trick. It always cracks me up!! I have such crazy-funny cats. In this shot, Sabre was owning Bela with his patented Jumping Air-Tackle. They were in epic battle for the prized crackly paper bag back there. My pets are such clowns. Seeee..??!

And for those of you who are up for some more feline hilarity, check these two clips out (make sure your sound is on):

Hilarious Kitty Shenanigans (man, cats are so eeeeevil, the way they mess with babies... lol)

Pussy Talk! (omg, this had me rolling on the floor...)

Meeee-ow!

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I ♥ my Chuck Taylor All Star Converse...



They have clung to my wee feet faithfully all these years, like the footy-equivalent of a teddy bear hug. Once, they were stark, black and white, crisp. Now they are faded, decorated with smudge marks and scuffs and the random markings of a million different sands and soils and wooded paths. They have taken me far.

So the ALL*STAR logo on their little back heels has weathered some. The right one now says 'ALL*STAP'. The left- 'ALL*STAB'. Germy-sounding and psycho-killerish. I don't care. They have evolved.

Their somehow-cute skull shoelaces give them attitude. Their dirt & grime make them mine. They were my dream sneakers as a teenager but Mom said they were too expensive. The generic Converse-esque copycats never felt quite the same. Getting my own, genuine pair was a long-delayed teen dream come true.

My cat Sabre had an obsession with them when he was all kitteny. Maybe he liked the rubbery softness of the toes? Whatever the case, he used to nap on my feet when I wore them. Now he is too mature for such things. But one of my favorite Sabsie-pics ever still remains to remind me, always, of our cuddly Converse days.

My Chucks are getting older now. They have molded into perfect contour of my feet. They have carried me through spooky cemeteries and into abandoned places... across the neon-drenched asphalt in NYC and the dusty desert roads of my Texas hometown... they have looked cute with ratty jeans and with polky-dotted skirts, with fishnets and funny socks, they have adapted to fit me and my life no matter what the phase.

Their simple low-top loyalty will always be repaid. I think I will wear them til they fall off of my feet.

I ♥ my Chuck Taylor All Star Converse...

The End.

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Well, today we hit the road to begin our Arizona odyssey. I will try to post from the road so keep an eye out! In the meantime, enjoy this past-road-trip retrospective photo medley:

San Antonio, TX: drunken-Shady-bartop-dancing... roadtrippin' kitties... cemetery strangeness... road shots... oddities... and of course, the Alamo and such. Click here and here for those.

Huoston: more roadtrippin' kitties & kitty mayhem in hotel rooms... weird cemetery stuff... historic architecture... crazy automoblies... Galveston beach and ferry... World's Biggest Fire Hydrant... and more. Check those out here

Take care, everyone! *hug* me if ya miss me... *smile*

*grabs backpack, waves bye-bye*

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Ok ok.... upon further consideration I have decided that </a></b></a>eatstoomuchjam is right- it's not fair to punish those who participated in the previous silly-ass meemage because some others didn't. So, those of you who commented... go ahead and check out the French Maid pic behind the cut...

( French Maid-iness Here )
The rest of you.... cover your eyes dammit!!! *sigh*... Silly Shadelings... *shakes head*

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Hey everybody. Just wanted to share with you all- I have just finished designing the 2006 Lost Destinations calendar designs, and they are now available!

And there are two calendars to choose from this year: Abandoned Places, and The Cemetery Tour.... *woot*

Below are the covers of the two new calendars- click on them to get more details (and get a sneak-peek at all the pages inside)...





Each wall-hanging calendar features twelve 11.5 x 9 inch full-color glossy pages journeying through some of the spookiest abandoned sites and/or the most eerie cemeteries that I have explored over the years... so you can get 'lost' every day. Heh.

(Also, don't forget that we have a whole shop full of Ghosthunters, Urban Explorers, and general Lost Destinations goodies- T's, baby doll T's, tank tops, jerseys, baseball caps, boxer shorts, thongs, camisoles, hoodies, trinket boxes, mouse pads, mugs, tote bags, tile coasters, road trip mugs, frisbees, wall clocks, license plate frames, & more... click here to see!)

'K, I'mma done pimpin' stuff out now. Thanks! Carry on....

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Some of you may remember when we discovered the gigantic rock formations that resembled...um.... well, let's say male and female naughty bits...? Heh.

Wellll... while climbing Mt. Rubidoux I stumbled across their counterpart- the giants JurASSic Ass (complete w/bunghole and everything!)!!! lmao

So, I decided to post them all together on the Lost & Found section of LD for everyone's amusement. Or, you could just check them out under the following LJ-cut, you impatient pervs.... :P

( Jurassic dirtiness... you KNOW you wanna look... )

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.....I just happened to toss my key-ring down onto this Berkowitz book I was reading, and made an unintentionally hilarious tableau... check out the '...my Dog' keychain, AND the bullet (and YES it's a .22!) on my key-ring... ha.... (yeah.. click it if you need to see it at a bigger size)....

(This will only be funny to those sickos familiar with serial killers. Like me. Heh.)

:P

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UNDERPANTS!!!



Made you look......!! *wink* Hee hee heehee......

And speaking of looking, I have started playing around a wee bit with the LJ Scrapbook thingy, if anyone wants to see some more piccies... clickety-click here if you wanna see... (and btw the pet pictures are pretty humorous, for those of you who enjoy seeing insane furry little animals acting afool... and who doesn't?? lol)

Carry on.

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