So- here's a peek at my bloomers (really!)... since I was such a tease last time. Mwaa ha!! You know, a lil somethin'-somethin' for you guys to remember me by until I get back online :P Yep- I'm heading for home today...



On the day I went away... goodbye...
Was all I had to say... now I...
I want to come again and stay... Oh my my...
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I've seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realize... I'm going home.

Everywhere it's been the same... feeling...
Like I'm outside in the rain... wheeling...
Free, to try and find a game... dealing...
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realize... I'm going home

(bonus cool-freak points to the first person to identify what these words are from!)

So I am about to hit the highway... I-10 baby, all the way to Arizona. I'm stopping off to meet G Jo and visit at my Aunt's house in Phoenix (where G Jo is waiting for me)... then we'll be on the way to El Paso. I should be home sometime on Sunday. I may be out of touch 'til then (unless I can sneak onto the internet while in Phoenix)...

Daisy... Casper... you girls have my #... give me a call if you feel like it... and you know how shy I am about making phone calls (what a dork!)

Hope you all have a great weekend. I'll 'see' you when I get home... *waves*

...and now, a totally random icon:

After all the recent ho-in', porn-o-matic shenaniganry lately, I thought I should get back to reality (reality... um, what's THAT???) and post a life update...



So, here I present the latest in the life and times of the Shadester.

Yes I am still in California. As I mentioned before, I did get the money to make it home (thanks again, my deardear friend... *sends love*), so no hitchhiking for me (the photo above- haha)... *phew*

I have stayed here a little longer due to a few factors... I had to wait for my new car insurance card in the mail, take care of an oil issue in my truck, and wait for my G Jo to make her plans to get to Phoenix, where I am gonna meet her on the halfway-point during the drive back to Texas. She's gonna be waiting for me at my aunty's house there, and be my co-navigator/cohort on the ride back home...

She is so so so so thrilled and grateful that I am coming home. She has been so worried, and also... she has really been missing me, she says (she was stressin' because she didn't have any $$$ to send me to help me get home- she had some free flight miles on SthWst- but that wouldn't help as I have my truck here and needed to drive home, and thus needed some cash for gas) Anyway... I am doing 'ok'... looking forward to getting home and seeing my beloved pets. I will be heading to Phoenix this weekend, so I can meet up with Gramma.

I'm kinda nervous about the first half of the trip, when I will have to go it alone... usually I am ok on lone-road-trips... but my self confidence has just taken a big blow after the, um, 'incident', and I am not yet back to feeling myself (huhhuh huhhuh I said feeling myself). But I am doing my best to look to the future. I can really start working on my life when I get home. But in the meantime, I wanted you guys to know that I am safe now, and hanging in there, and that I will finally be back in Texas very soon.

And that's about the updatey-est I can get right now, I guess. I'm not doing much at the moment other than biding my time... blogging, reading (The Demonologist by Gerald Brittle), playing with Jack- the big black kitty cat who lives here. Not much else to say update-wise.

So, now, I'll give you a peek into my warped wickle brain with a whole random stream of non-connected thought-blurbs:

I have been having lots of headaches. I have also been eating lots of takeout Chinese food (damn you, MSG!!) Yes, I am in a bubble bath in my current 360 userpic, no I was not alone (the extra arm on the right totally gives it away) The same person who was in there with me, was also the same person I was actually photographing in the Casper/Ghost Ho pic, I Photoshopped her out. She was (well, still is) a gorgeous blonde. I miss her a whole f**king lot. I don't smoke (cigarettes.. heh heh), but I have been smoking a lot a cloves lately for some reason. I miss taking pictures. I have resolved to get out and photograph for fun more often. I need to take more pictures of flowers, and sunsets, and the moon. I have been having dreams about houses. Again. I seem to be having a lot of bizarre dreams lately. I miss my cat, Sabre, really bad. It kills me when I hear him meow over the phone. I love all the good friends I have here on LJ. I feel some real connections with some of you guys. I hate the way the contestants scream out, 'good answer, good answer, good answer!!' on Family Feud, even if the answer is a stupid one. I found out last night that lavendar Heather (the flower) means 'solitude'. I wasn't surprised.

I am really, really scared of my future right now. But I am even more scared of my past.

And... that's about it for now. I am gonna go watch some more the episodes of Lost that I have on my laptop. Cyber-hugs to all of you out there that have taken the time to listen, send love & advice, help me through these things, and just plain make me laugh. Thank you.

...and now, a totally random icon:

Shady & The Tramp

an original romance horror novel concept

by Shady

A Romance Horror Zomedy: An antisocial loner (Shady) teams up with a well-built female cyborg (The Technologically Randy Armored Mechanical Prostitute- aka T.R.A.M.P.) to save the earth from zombie-aliens. In the process they storm the zombie nest- a haunted house- and have mad passionate sex with a ghost, live on webcam. By the end of the novel they blow up 666 undead ewoks and end up winning the admiration of their universe, living happily ever after.

Think sex lies and videotape meets Shaun Of The Dead.
----------------------------------------------------

Hee hee. That was my creation for Pickle's Romance Novel Cheese Challenge on 360 (made using the Plot-O-Matic, albeit a bit tweaked by me, & the Romance Novel Cover Generator)... a much-needed bit of comic relief and fun- thanks, Pickles!! *goofy smile*

In other news... as you all might guess, I am still a bit lost in TurmoilLand. Yes, the title of this post has a double-meaning. I saw a teeny spider in the bathtub today and was like... 'I know just how you feel, spidey'... trying to scrabble up the slick, slippery slopes and hoping nobody turns the water on. Despite the bravado and hope I poured into my last post... my insides are still topsy-turvey. I am, minute-to-minute, a fierce warrior woman... a scared little lamb... an ancient old woman... a flash in the pan... a precious gift... a tightly-closed clam... and starting to sound too damned much like a Dr. Suess ham.

And I absolutely cannot get that Pat Benatar song- 'Invincible'- out of my head... *sings* 'We can’t afford to be innocent... Stand up and face the enemy... It’s a do or die situation... We will be invinciiiiiible'...

I am hanging on and hanging in. I know I've said it before, but the in-F'ing-credible amount of support, comments, and messages I have been (and still am) receiving from my LJ Family are just wonderful. You people rock. I never, ever imagined that I had such support & love, and I thank you all for showing me differently. You are a bunch of amazing human beings.

And a special thanks to DEB on 360, who posted the most beautiful entry dedicated to me, and to all those who have left such lovely comments to me there...

*group hugs to you all*

(whoops I almost typo-ed 'grope hugs to you all'... erm, heh, calling Dr. Freud... come in, Freud...! *slaps forehead*)

I am still in California, but as I mentioned before- in a safe place, and taking care of myself. The weather here has finally warmed, flower blooms are peeking out colorfully all over the place, and I can hear the birdsong outside as I type this. It does my heart good. I will most likely be leaving for home at the end of this week, because my dear beloved Gramma Jo wants to fly out and meet me in Phoenix (pretty much the halfway point of my drive home, and my aunt lives there) so that she can accompany me back on the last part of my journey. This rocks- as I adore my lively, red-headed G Jo, she's one of my bestest friends, the most un-Grandma-like Gramma, and a ton of fun to be with. It will be a nice way to arrive home... I'm calling it our 'Gramma & Louise' (without the convertible) I will definitely keep you all updated.

Next, stay tuned for my entry in another 360 challenge- Scott's Road Trip Challenge- where I will share with you all the tale of how I had a Dorothy Gale moment as I almost got sucked up by a Tennessee tornado. Heh. I know I'm a little behind on these challenges... recent circumstances and all... anyway, this one is right up my (dark & deserted!) alley... (and these 360 challenges are really helping me to have a little fun right now... *smile*)

...and now, a totally random icon:

'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom --Anais Nin'



So, by now whoever read the last post knows about me getting hit. For the record- yes, it was a male that did the hitting. I am still in California, but I am safe right now. I will be heading home veryvery soon (thanks to an amazingly good person who donated some get-home money to me, and wishes to remain anonymous)

This has obviously been a really rough (in every sense) experience. It has caused major turmoil in my life and brought up a lot of things from my past that are hard to bear. My face still hurts, physically (though the swelling is going down) My heart still feels fragmented. My mind is still reeling, but I am thinking straighter now. I have been thinking a LOT, in fact. I guess that would go without saying.

I am not one to forgive physical violence, never have been. As I said in my last post, I was physically abused by a stepfather when I was young... and watched my Mom go through it even worse than we did... it left me with nothing but disgust for anyone who uses violence as a means to deal with issues. Especially someone bigger/stronger pounding away on someone smaller/weaker. All of my life I have had a No(F'ing-way)-Tolerance policy toward that kind of behavior. I avoid it, I cut off anyone who shows any signs of it, I thought it was something I would never, ever have to deal with again. Apparently I thought wrong. Let me say- there were absolutely no signs of this beforehand. And a lot of factors went into it, none of which I really can talk about here. Perhaps someday, when things are resolved, I can explain this more. But not yet.

There are no excuses for what happened. But life is never, ever simple (duh) As much as this should be an easy, b & w issue for me, I'm finding out that this time it is not. This whole thing is much more complicated than, again, what I am at liberty to say here. I have a lot of things to work out in my mind, and in my life. Things that have gone to the wayside as I have been sinking further into work, travel, and other distractions. I thought I was taking life one day at a time. And, in a way I have been... which has actually blinded me to the Big Picture. And the picture is this- while my online relationships are mostly clearly defined and emotionally stable, my IRL ones are not. Not even close. There are a lot of things relating to them that have to be attended to. NOW.

I wandered outside yesterday, after who-knows-how many hours of numbness, and brain-chaos... and my eye was caught by this single flare of color that looked like a flame nestled in the green. It was the beautiful rose above, which I shot that picture of. I stopped, and just stared at it for the longest time... the fiery blossom hypnotizing me... soothing me... I was thinking about how flowers blossom over and over... thinking about the concept of 'blossoming'... thinking about the name my Mom gave me at birth- 'Heather'- also a blossom... even thinking about the Heather character in Highlander (one of my favorite characters in that film), who was called 'Blossom' as an affectionate nickname by her immortal lover. Blossom. The very word itself suggests such possibility, such chance for renewal. Inspiring me to move ahead with my life... inspiring me to renew, and to open up to change.

I need to blossom now.

I will be ok. The smallest beginings of a plan have been formulating. The first thing I need to do is get back home, which will be happening very soon. Once home, I have a whole lot of life issues to deal with... a whole lot. But, for the first time, I see the tiniest glimmer of light and the end of a (hopefully old, abandoned and maybe even haunted??) tunnel. As long as it's not an oncoming train, haha.

I didn't want to put any specifics about the hitting incident out here in the public, and I still don't, so this is difficult for me to explain. The reason why? So many of these unresolved situations in my life right now involve other people, it's complex, and their issues and their privacy are a consideration of mine. Especially because so many things in my personal life are up in the air right now... it's not something I can go into any detail about without also involving others that I do not want to involve in a public forum. These are some of the things I need to work out when I get back home.

So, I will say this: I am safe, I am ok. I am heading back home. I have gathered my strength, and I am going to come through this. I have a lot to face in upcoming months, but I also have my hope back. I have felt the smashing pain of rock bottom and have no desire to be here again. And I know many things need to change in order for that to happen.

_boxinghelena, bob_bobinson, anodyne19148, groovy_violet, alexlucard, ninevah, gedion_ki, batchix, bound_gagged, gervgirl, das_hydra, fenrir1981, moggs, direwraithe, kgm13, sunlitx, Marci, Liason, and H.E.A.L.- THANK YOU... thank you for your words, your love, your support, your kindness, your wisdom. Thank you for being there for me, in one of the lowest moments of my life. Thank you for caring. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for thinking of me. Your network of concern and care have helped to pull me back up from the void, have given me the power to do what I need to get done. I value each and every one of you beyond measure. Thank you for being there for me.

Raysie, Casper, & ETMJ- you guys will never, ever know how much I love you. I can't express it in words. I only hope that I can repay your friendship in turn, with the same degree of amazingness you have shown to me. Hearing your voices on the phone, having your words via IM to give me strength... the value is immeasurable to me. I love you guys.

Again- I will be ok. I promise you all- I will be safe, I will be smart, I will be home soon. Ready to face the changes, ready to blossom.

*ad astra per aspera*

Nope, not like that, you pervy-pervs... I mean in the emotional way. Hey, stop booing! :P



Lately, I have been thinking about blogging... words, and meanings... things left behind on these electronic pages... and what it all means in the long run. If I was to, say, get run over by a bus-full of nuns today, what would be left here to represent my written 'legacy'? At this point, it's mostly tomfoolery... silly monkey dreams and links to funny cat videos... odes to my sneakers... with the very occasional real glimpse into my brain. And I don't want that to be all there is.

I really admire those of you who let it all hang out, blogwise. You put your everyday feelings and experiences out there for all to see. And I've been wondering why I never do the same... yes, I post here, but so often on such a scratching-the-surface kind of mode peppered with sprinklings of goofiness to give it a nice sugary coating. I want to do more.

So, that's me up there, in a candid photo, caught unguarded, unposed... my odd lopsided smile full-on display. I thought it fitting for this particular post. Candid is the name of this game.

I have always considered myself a 'writer', way before I ever got anything actually published for real. And by writer I mean- my main means of communication, the real deal ME, has always shone through much more clearly in the written word. So why do I avoid letting the world glimpse inside, here in my journal??

I feel it's time to change all of that.

So, I have made a decision (ack- the D word!! *shudders*) I am going to post more open, revealing, and yes nekkid (not like that... sheesh you guys!) entries from now on. For better or worse, I am going to let you all see more of the real me, and what goes on in my life, my heart, and my tweeested wickle brain...

So let's start with the basics. I am a 33 year old girl (errm, woman??)... born and raised inthe desert border city of El Paso, Texas. Oddly enough I never claimed myself as a 'Texan' until I spent many years living/traveling far from my birthplace... and the return to my home made me realize- yes, that's what I am.

I am shy, insecure, anxious at times... I am a picky eater, wrestle with insomnia, and am prone to getting ill. I am not good at making friends IRL. I barely have any relationship at all with my family. I am also very loving, and friendly (beneath the shyness), and ultimately hope-filled (sometimes to the point of idealism)... I am goofy, I love to make people laugh, and I'm extremely generous. I am totally loyal to the ones I love. I love to read, love to write, and think that if I had to stop photographing things I would cease to breathe- that's how much a part of me my photography is. And I am insanely in love with my precious pets (3 kitties, 2 dogs, and 4 very cool goldfish)... to a ridiculous degree.

I didn't graduate high school; I got a GED at 17. I went to 5 years of college (Art Major) but I never got a degree. I have worked in a fast food joint... haunted house... library... strip club... department store... among other myriad things. I have never been any good at the 9-5 thing. I haven't had a 'real' job in over 10 years now. The camera has paid my bills- I have been both behind it and in front of it- for a long time now. And so I'm broke half (Hell, most) of the time, but I'd rather this, than do the 9-5. The 'starving artist' term describes me to a T.

And that's a bit of me, in a nutshell (which is a very appropriate recepticle) I will be posting more of these revealing-type entries from now on, so stay tuned...

...and now, a totally random icon:

As seen on, well, a zillion blogs since the beginning of blogdom- it's Q&A time, folks. Got a burning (or lukewarm, or even room temperature) question for me?

This is the time to ask.

Ask me anything... from the silly to the serious. If you wanna know, ask it now. Comment with your question/s, I will answer them here. Now, 1-2-3... go!

[Shady caricature by my dear & crazy Aussie pal, Dan Dofogh, aka Senor Stinky!]

...and now, a totally random icon:

Yes, I do realize that we are on N3S #4. But see, I didn't start playing until #2. And so I have felt behind the game ever since I got started. So, I did a time-warp, jumped into a wormhole, and went back to make my N3S #1. And, here 'tis...



As silly as the format of this card may be, this is a serious secret for me. Now, I know that some of you are gonna go- shy? Shady, you're not shy!! But, really- I am. I assure you.

My real life persona is vastly different from my online one. It's so so so so much easier for me to interact with the shield of the keyboard and the Internet between me and others. In real life, I am always the shy, quiet one in the corner. When I do try to talk, I come off as goofy, geeky, and awkward. I swear I have the personality of Fred, from the tv show Angel (especially Fred just after she came back from that alternate dimension, and was writing on walls and afraid to leave her room! Oi) If you are an Angel-watcher, you are prolly laughing at me right now.

But it is true.

Posting in my blogs is not a big deal for me. I love to write. I love to create graphics and post my photography. But see, that does not involve interaction. The comments DO, and that's where it gets sticky.

As I have said before- I lurv getting comments from you guys. But there is always this little thing inside of me, that fears the occasional meanie comment (...usually those come from strangers, not you guys that know me. But still.) And going out and commenting on everyone else's blogs can be really intimidating for me. It's like being back in junior high... and walking into a packed cafeteria where everyone is already grouped off/having conversations... and having to find a place to sit amongst everyone, and then open my mouth and start talking. Eeek. I feel like... 'Why can't I be more clever?? Why can't I be funnier? Why do I sound so awkward and dorky?? Aggh!'

I know I should comment on the blogs of others more than I do. Part of it is time constraints, yeah. But another, more dorky part of it is just me, being insecure and SHY. Yes- shy. But, I am trying. I am working on it. I am trying to make an effort to get out there and comment in the blogs of others.

I guess I just need to get over this geeky junior high complex, eh?

[As always, this N3S made for RaysieDaisy's Not-So-Secret-Secrets project]

Oh and see my N3S postcard archive here.

...and now, a totally random icon:

Happy Bunny-Day, folks...



I am not a big Easter person... never liked eggs, or pastel colors, or waking up early. But I do like bunnies! So I'd like to take this day to introduce you all to my favorite bunny of all, for those of you who haven't met him yet...


Meet Bruce!

He was given to me by a very dear friend, _boxinghelena (thanks, Shelley dear!!) He is a stuffed, knit, adorably undead bunny and I named him after Bruce Campbell. I take him everywhere with me, pretty much, and he's one of my favorite photographic subjects.

He's been having some crazy adventures since I got him... but, why go into detail when you can SEE FOR YOURSELF?? Yes, Bruce has a photo gallery- see Bruce with kitty... Bruce at Coyote Ugly... Bruce getting wasted in a hotel room and, errm, getting inappropriate with my Sock Monkey... Bruce waving his wee glow sticks at his first rave... and more...

It's all right here.
Go check it out. And give him some sugar, baby!

*makes rabbit ears on self*

...and now, a totally random icon:

Ok, you know how when you are trying to sleep, certain little outside noises can just grind into your brain and penetrate to the very core of your subconscious???

Let me say- I thought I knew that feeling before. But now I have experienced the nightmarish cacophony of chickens, clown horns, and tuba bass lines. Yeah- you heard me right.

This is a Saturday morning in a suburb in Riverside, California. The bawk-bawk-BAWKA!-ing of chickens (yeah- chickens). The irritating honka honka of one of those clown horns (apparently on some vendor's homemade cart). And the ever-repeating annoyingness of a tuba bass line (cumbia music blaring from next door- and the polka-esque bass line is all you can hear). This is what is was hearing as I tried and tried to fall asleep while ever-brightening sunlight filled the room. Ugh!

I just woke up now (and it's after 5 pm)

And... I had the most bizarre dream! Was it affected by the aural discordance from outside? Who the Hell knows. But here is how it went...

I am shopping in a Walmart. Suddenly the employees are running around, willynilly. Seems a monkey is loose inside the store (they were selling monkeys, in Walmart, in my dream. OK- I know it's weird). It was swinging from the track lighting and leaping across the tops of aisles. Nobody could catch it. Chaos ensues.

I go to the open doors, step outside, and wait patiently. Quietly. Cunning and monkey-ready. And sure enough, the fuzzy dude finally makes his dash for freedom... running outside... and right into my waiting arms.

The Walmart employees are so grateful for my heroic monkey-capture, that they give me a free Coke. Yeah, a Coke. And I thought monkey-wrangling would be so much more rewarding!

Maybe I should just invest in a pair of ears plugs...?

...and now, a totally random icon:

Don't worry- I won't shoot. But so many people have been asking me if that's a real gun in my 360 userpic... it's not. It's a cigarette lighter! Now in this pic- THAT is a gun...

*said in best Crocodile Dundee voice*


(click pic for the biggie version)

Anyway, back on topic... tonight was a greeeeat chat, yeah baby, yeahhhhh!!

Though Markus wasn't able to make it- he was working- the regular nutjobs were there (well, some of us... *ahem Rep... SlimJim... Lllloyd... et al*)... Lobo and I, of course... as well as RaysieDaisy, sextanika, and dameelysia... and we had some NEW Diner chatters- woo hoo!- warm welcomes to bound_gagged, eatstoomuchjam, ozgenre, direwraithe, bob_bobinson, and gervgirl! We had a lovely, slightly-insane yet incredibly FUN conversation, covering such diverse topics as... giant beef sticks... Tom Waits... Hasselhoff Recursion Sickness... the musical stylin's of DJ Bubba (a'yup)... Anasazi ruins... Tarentella balcony-dancing... ghost-hunting... Diner moderator super-powers (bell ringing, woo!)... The Forbidden Zone & Oingo Boingo... and last but definitely not least... na-na-na-na-nananana.... Octocock! (and his sidekicks- Dodecapenis & Sexdecatit, which may or may not be long lost Zelda monsters that didn't make it past beta testing)...

All-in-all, it was a superfun night, and a fabulous time was had by all. Hope to see you guys back in the Diner next week- and hey- some of you who haven't been yet, too- come join in next time! We don't bite... hard.

(...and remember- the Lost Diner is also a free-for-all posting forum with tons of topics, and it's open 24-7... you can join in the fun that way as well, anytime.. *wink*)

...and now, a totally random icon:

Shit, sorry I am so late with this! But, errrrm, well, I just woke up... *blinks... rubs eyes* (was up all night watching scary movies, ooops)

Anyway- it's chat night in the Lost Diner... 9 PM, EST (which is less than an hour now, ooopsie)... and as always, you can translate the time zone and see the LIVE chat countdown (to the day/hour/minute) right here!

Hope to see some of you there... *wink*

Now, I gotta run!

*races off to make the (virtual) coffee*

...and now, a totally random icon:

I was all set to post some introspective-esque post about the meaning of a name, yadda yadda... but then I thought hey wait I need to address a few technical things first...

So, first- about the Thursday night chats in the Lost Diner... I have had a few people ask me about posting reminders, pre-chat, so that they can make it in time. I am gonna try to remember to do it- both here, and on my 360 blog. But my question is, would you guys find it useful if I sent out reminders as well via my mailing list...? I used to do it, but I will start doing it again if enough people would find it useful to be notified that way...

So I'd like to hear your thoughts on that.

Second- horror movie reviews. Yes, horror movie reviews! I used to do them here regularly (including links to official sites & trailers), and I dunno why I don't anymore... I just sorta... stopped. I know that prolly most of those on my friends list are into horror flicks, and Hell- I watch horror flicks almost daily, I watch a LOT of horror movies (both brand-new, and old) So I have been thinking about posting reviews again...

What do you guys think?

And finally- a quick note about my last Gawth-y post... I know that I said I was not really 'goth' a few posts ago, then went and posted something kinda on the goth-side (previous post). It was American Idol's fault. Really. See, yesterday, they had the contestants singing Queen songs (for the record- Queen f'ing RULES... just sayin'). And, one of the chicks sang 'Who Wants To Live Forever'... which is one of the most romantic, heartbreaking freaking songs EVER... it's from the movie Highlander, and if you're familiar with that movie, you'll know just what I mean. So after hearing that, I had the song stuck in my head for the whole night... which made me think of Highlander... which made me think medieval-ly, romantic thoughts... which is what led to me posting what I did...

From American Idol, to a Gawth post- see it can happen! LOL

*and for the record, I have nothing against Gothiness... it's just that I, myself, am not what I would consider to be 'Goth' (errm, I cannot even name any goth bands... really!!) But people always, always, always call me GOTHY! Perhaps it is the hair? Heh. Anyway, just wanted to say...

...and now, a totally random icon:

Love Poem #1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Come take my hand,
This is me, breathing
Chasing the rain,
And all that I'm feeling
Removing the mask,
To reveal the seething
Unveiling for you,
Believe what you're seeing
You are a key,
Unlock my unfolding
You touch my face
As we begin kissing
Inside of me,
Your music is singing
Your name on my tongue
Has the deepness of praying
Come, take my hand,
It is time for believing

--by Shady


...and only days after I tell you all that I am not really all that 'Gawth'- sha-BAMM!- I go and post a most gothtastic pic & poem... you just never know what I'mma gonna do, do ya?? Hrrm me either. LOL...

...and now, a totally random icon:

Once again, my (hot, redheaded) friend- Casper (aka sextanika)- brings another tale of Iowa exploration to Lost Destinations...



This time, she veered down a mysterious river-side path to discover a whole host of forgotten structures, in a place she calls 'Broken Alley'. Cool stuff! And, there has also been an update to Casper's Black Angel page, with new information about this legendary dark monument (the updated part is down at the bottom... huhhuh huhhuh I said bottom...) Or, just click the pic above ^ to check all of the newness out.

Oh and also, I wanna send out a great, BIG congrats to Cas- who is going to have some of her awesome work published in a book- yay! I am so proud of you- and this is a great start to bigger things... *hugs* You go, girl!

Ahh, and, speaking of Riverside... yes I am still out in California... I think these damned ruby slippers are defective... *clicks slippers furiously... waits... nothing happens*

I still dunno when I will be returning home yet, though I am hoping it will be pretty soon (perhaps, in a week-ish?) I am kinda hyper-homesick at this point, and I think if I don't see my furbabies soon (especially my babycat- Sabre) I am gonna lose my damned mind. I also miss Markus, and my Gramma, and my crazy Auntie, and my fuzzy slippers, and feeding my funny goldfish, and my own computer, and the El Paso sunsets, and Taco Cabana, and my Buffy DVD collection, and my nightly Mr-Bubbly-bubble-bath ritual, and the darling pink Turkish geckos that live on my porch, and wandering the desert, and and and... well, just home.

Now... let me get back to working on these damned slippers...

*mutters 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home'...*

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Ok today has started off shitty shitty shitty... woke up from a horrid nightmare, am sick again, and something made me cry (over the phone even, blech the worst) But fuck that junk!! *kicks the crapola to the curb* I have some better stuff to think/post about right now...



First of all, a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my bestest-friend Lobo... yep, it is his b-day today. He hates celebrating his b-day. But, I celebrate it, because it's the day he came into the world, and that's pretty damned great to me (I tried to jam a pointy b-day hat on his head, but the mohawk wasn't havin' it!) Anyway, today I celebrate the b-day of a great friend... someone who has known my dorky ass since high school(15+ years!!), and still likes me anyway... *hugs to the Lobonator*

Next, I wanna shout-out a big thanks- "THANKS!!"- to the chatters who showed up in the Lost Diner for last night's chat... and guess what, boys... you missed out!! It was a roomful of hothot girlies, with Lobo the only guy in sight (lucky him eh??) With such hilarious, sexy chicas- Casper, RaysieDaisy, Missy, and (the newly gay-blogmarried) Mame & Malice, you can only imagine the debaucherous time that was had by all... we discussed tin-foil hats & bubble wrap undies... good horror flicks... lesbian blogwives... funny pussy videos (the kind with CATS, you pervs!)... our funky hair color wishes... alcoholic-drink recipes... cunning linguists... teachers who seduce teenage boys (haha RD!)... chihuahuas, palm trees, & smelly hippies... ghosts in WalMartLand... the Blair Warner Project... cool fake-stories for mundane scars... getting gas from cheerleader-eating... plush porn... and 'Morris Cave' the 7th grade science teacher. Among other things!

And last but most-definitely not least, inspired by the happy new blog-union of the loverly Mame & Malice, Raysie gay-marriage-proposal-ed me last night during the chat, *woot* (see what you guys missed out on???)!! Of course we have been online lesbian-girlfriends for a damned long time now :P but finally... she's gonna make an honest woman out of me (hahaha). Details on the upcoming blognuptials will be posted as more is known... for now, a great big (lesbo) kiss to my new lesbian-fiancee, Raysie... *mwaaa!*

OK, see, this is why you guys should not miss the chats, heh heh. Hope to see more of you all there next Thursday... same Diner place, same Diner time!!

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Geez, lately many of my posts have been a little on the dark and/or beeetchy side (homesickness, serial killing, regular sickness, nightmares, crappy weather, etc) I am really not feeling all that horrible (only moderately, and only here and there, ha...) so I thought I'd quit the bitchin' and take a moment to list some of the things that have been making me smile lately...


My Comical Friends-- holy crap, I have some funnnnnny friends! I get online, feeling like crapola, and lo & behold I find some of the funniest damn messages/offline IMs/etc awaiting me from some of the crazies I love and treasure. I mean, really... it's like having my own personal bevy of comics on call. Forget stand-up... I have to sit down, or else I will fall to the floor, laughing. I would name names, but we'd be here all night (and you know who you are!!) Let's just say, a super-honorable-hilarity-mention goes out to RaysieDaisy, Senor Stinky, and The Three Armed Wonder Comic (I larf just thinking about how funny they are! Ah haha hahahaa. See??)

Nightsong-- this one has to do with birds singing at night. Really! We have (almost) no trees back where I live (El Paso), hah, but here in California there are birdies that sing in the trees in the dark of night. I find it so neato, in a captivating and mysterious way. Even if Lobo DOES want to shoot them. LOL.

Adorable Bebes-- now, I am not a 'baby' person, per se... I don't usually go all nutso over just any old baby (...'old' baby... haha). But damn... my friends have some CUTECUTE bebes! And the pics they've been postin' have been making me grin... like RaysieDaisy's wee irresistable Little Daisy... and Jamie's cutesy-cute little 'Mini-Me'... the darling grins, the big baby blues... these kiddos have the smile-making thing going on in a big way! And also it's just amazing and wonderful to see the offsping of some great friends just a'going and growing... warms my wickle heart, it does.

Carlos Mencia-- dee dee dee!! I laugh 'til I puke. Enough said.

Rockabilly-- my fave type of music (oh- some of you thought it was Gawth??? Nope!!)... just listening to the Horrorpops, Devil Doll, Rocket Deville, the Rev, or some good old Stray Cats... it always, always gets my butt wiggling and my toes tapping, no matter how grumpy I may be. It's an unstoppable audio-physical reaction... I just start wiggin' and boppin' like a hopped-up honey. Meow!

Chocolate-- Hersheys, Toblerones, Grandma's Chocolate Chip... I am a fiend for the choco. Why, you might just call me a Choco-Monster. Rowrrrr... errr... yum.... grrr.

Horror Flicks-- this one might seem odd. But I LOVE horror movies, ok?? Yeah and they make me smile (in a twisted kind of way). This week alone, I've watched Hostel, Wolf Creek, the original Hills Have Eyes (a decades-old favorite, that one is)... and discovered one of my brand-new fave flicks- Creep. One of the best horror movies I have seen in a long, long time... it even freaked me out (and that's pretty damned hard to do!!) I love finding new horror flicks that blow me away, and this one was fantastic... but I don't recommend it if extreme violence, gore, or just plain freakiness freak you out... this one is hardcore.

Funny Cat Videos-- I know, it's obvious from the links I sometimes post. But I can't get enough! Especially if the vid includes talking cats, OMG.

Googling in 'Elmer Fudd'-- yeah!! Did you know, you can set your google to some crazy languages (in addition to all the many real-life ones)... they have some insane ones like Klingon, Pig Latin, and my personal fave- 'Ewmew Fudd'!! It never ceases to crack me up when I see things such as... 'Pweferwences... Diwectowy... Wesults... Aww About Google' and so on. Too much!!! LOL.

And last, but very definitely NOT LEAST......

Comments, Comments, Comments-- I love them. I wanna marry them. I could eat them up with a spoon! Because it means that you guys are actually reading this stuff... and that in some way, it moves you (either in silliness or in seriousness) to respond. I really love hearing what you all have to say, and getting to know so many of you kind, funny, awesomely smart, and amazing people. So, rock on with your socks on... and keep the commentary coming! I promise you it brings a smile to my heart as well as to my face... (awww wasn't that cheesey??)

*big smile... (on the face)*

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I've been sick again. Oi....



This is something I usually don't write about publicly... when I do write of it, it's usually cloaked in vagueness about 'not feeling well' or posted behind a Friends-Only entry. And lately, I have just wondered... why? Do I fear people will see me as 'less' if I reveal what is wrong with me? Am I afraid of seeming 'weak', or defective?

I think that's all a part of it.

I get angry sometimes that getting ill keeps me from doing the stuff I wanna do, even though (luckily) my symptoms come and go and are not constant. But when they come, it sure does suu-uuu-uuuck.

Yesterday, I started to feel bad... I was freezing cold, even though I was bundled in blankets, in a La-Z-Boy style chair that heats up, sitting right next to the fireplace... I was shivering and felt so icy-cold. Yet at the same time, I was sweating. Lobo was really worried, he thought I might have a fever, so he took my temperature... and rather than being high, my body temp was below normal. My body was just all messed up. Weak, shaking, and with vision blurred... I suffered it throughout the entire night. Even later, when I was buried under 3 thick comforters, the horrible coldness would not cease.

I've alluded to the fact that I have a chronic illness here before. But I never go into details. And I'm tired of being embarrassed/ashamed of what I have always percieved as my 'weakness'...

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with a condition that is affected by my pancreas- see, my pancreas is a piece of crap. It does not process insulin like it should. This leads to all kinds of blood-sugar issues (and eventually, will most likely blossom into full-blown diabetes... which my family has a history of)... if I don't eat right, or sleep enough, or sometimes just from nothing at all, my body goes all whacked-out on me.

What happened yesterday was prolly the result of my blood sugar being screwed up.

There is nothing I can really do about it; I've lived with it for 16 years now. I've been in and out of hospitals (when it's gotten bad) more times than I could ever count. I hate that when I get sick, I am like a baby, dependent on others to take care of me, unable to do everything on my own. Unable to do everything that I want to do. Unable to control my own body, which seems like such treachery from within, and sometimes makes me feel SO WEAK.

But I am trying to change my views. I never asked for the screwed up pancreas- "Oh, wait, can I get one of those defective ones instead...? K Thnx..." And, I am trying to focus more on what I have been capable of doing, despite my physical limitations... all the travels, and the experiences... the discoveries I have made, the friends that I have found. All of this, despite my illness. I am trying, really trying, to see these as triumphs over my issues, rather than concentrate on how they sometimes rob me of my freedom, independence, and health.

So I guess what I am saying is- yes, I have weaknesses. And I guess it is OK. I have never given up on life, pissed off though I may have gotten through the years. And, I guess that is something. In some ways, it's everything...

Thanks for listening.

*steps out of confessional*

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[click to enlarge]

He (Richard Ramirez) is from my hometown, I know some of his relatives. He likes to be called 'Ritchie'. He's always been very polite to me.

(It started out as 'research' for a true crime book that I was writing about a different series of crimes, I wanted to find out why someone would do such a thing. He never wanted to talk about that, though. We only ever talked about fairly mundane things.)

Another creation for RaysieDaisy's Not-So-Secret-Secrets Project (this time it was freestylie theme)

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(Oh yes that is me in a real straitjacket- no PS shenanigans required this time. Heh)

I am a muy mucho head-case right now. I have been so freakin' lost/confused/harried lately (consumed with working on deadline, far away from home, missing loved ones, having really messed up sleep patterns, eating issues, and so on, and so on, and so forth...)

I don't know if I am coming or going, I barely recognize myself these days, I'm losing that sense of 'self'... I feel like I need to get to a shrink, pronto. Oi.
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go... I wanna be sedated... La la la la...

*slaps forehead*

But alas, I am too cheap (read: BROKE) to pay for analysis. So will you guys help me out??

Ok, please visit this page here real quick. That's my interactive 'Johari Window' (a model for mapping personality awareness). All you have to do is pick 5-6 words from the bunch that, in your opinion, describe me....

Yeah yeah I know this isn't serious 'therapy'... just a little harmless introspection fun. And I'm really interested in what you guys think, and how you'll answer... *wiggles eyebrows*

(Also, you can make your own Johari Window from that link. If you do, comment here with the link and I will participate in yours, too)

Theeees couldt be veddy, veddy innnteresting...

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I've been wanting to do it for years. Ever since I first saw Sinead O Connor, and how beautiful she looked with her brave, bald head. And now, after much trepidation, and many many (MANY) years of chickening out... I have finally done it...

I took the leap, and shaved it all off! Lobo has clippers, and I figured- why not? Man, it was scary at first to see my beyond-waist-length hair falling to the floor around me. But damn- I feel so sexy and liberated now!!!



So, here I am, naked head for the world to see. I love it! I took some more pictures from different angles and stuff... check them out behind the cut...

( looky- more pics of my new look here! )

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