I am a mess. I am a technicolor, gloriously messy mess. Life is horrible, life is grand, life is painful and beautiful and dizzying. I am crushed. I am on fire. And right now I am steeped with equal amounts of passion, confusion, hopefulness, and pain.

I've been away from home for a long time.

I've really only been back 'home', and away from my best friend, for a matter of days... It's been only a matter of days since I found out the person I was (technically) married to had just erased themselves from my life while I was out of town... I am still reeling from a million little bits of life-asskickery that have been flying left and right.

I've been doing all the 'normal' things... crying, fuming, getting frustrated, packing, feeling betrayed, crying some more (see my worn-out cryin' eyes up there??) Wondering what exactly is gonna happen for me next. It looks like I will have to move out of here and move in with my Gramma for awhile. This whole situation is skeeeery as s**t for me. I'd rather go inside a 'haunted' abandoned house or a lonesome old cemetery at night, k???

But in the midst of all of this uncertainty... I feel...... freedom. A sense of hope. A chance. For what? I dunno! Something, though....

Something...

I am my own person again. I can say whatever I want about whatever I feel. My marriage was just in paper only for about 5/6 of the entire thing (his choice, not mine) And a confusion of loyalty, responsibility, and 'friendship' prompted me to stay with him no matter what, and to keep any of our problems on the inside, away from all outside eyes and ears. I've been loyally bound inside of that responsibility for years and years.

But, he left. He just... left. Walked right away from whatever responsibilities bound us without a backward glance. So now I am... free. I am free... whoa.

Yes... I am a mess right now. I have a whoooole lot of things left for me to figure out, right out of the blue. But... then again... blue is my favorite color.
*teeny smile*

|[...to you: you know how I feel about you... I love you & you love me too... one day I will say it publicly... say what I feel, openly, x 3...]|

...and now, a totally random icon:

Well, I am home... actually got home last night. And, here I was gonna post this 'halloooo!' post about the trip and being back home... but, remember that uncertain future I was talking about before I left...? Well, when I got here it became a billion times more f**cked-up-uncertain.

Anyway, sorry, the regularly scheduled post-Post goofiness will not air here as scheduled.

I cannot even talk about this crap at the moment. I am shocked/upset to the point of numbness, and cannot think. I will post more/respond to the last few day's worth of comments when I can calm the f**ck down. Just wanted to let you all know I am back home back in El Paso (not back 'home'... I have no more home...)

...and now, a totally random icon:

So- here's a peek at my bloomers (really!)... since I was such a tease last time. Mwaa ha!! You know, a lil somethin'-somethin' for you guys to remember me by until I get back online :P Yep- I'm heading for home today...



On the day I went away... goodbye...
Was all I had to say... now I...
I want to come again and stay... Oh my my...
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I've seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realize... I'm going home.

Everywhere it's been the same... feeling...
Like I'm outside in the rain... wheeling...
Free, to try and find a game... dealing...
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realize... I'm going home

(bonus cool-freak points to the first person to identify what these words are from!)

So I am about to hit the highway... I-10 baby, all the way to Arizona. I'm stopping off to meet G Jo and visit at my Aunt's house in Phoenix (where G Jo is waiting for me)... then we'll be on the way to El Paso. I should be home sometime on Sunday. I may be out of touch 'til then (unless I can sneak onto the internet while in Phoenix)...

Daisy... Casper... you girls have my #... give me a call if you feel like it... and you know how shy I am about making phone calls (what a dork!)

Hope you all have a great weekend. I'll 'see' you when I get home... *waves*

...and now, a totally random icon:

So, Ho Day on 360 is over (it's every Wednesday btw)... well.. it's not over for another 2 hours here, but I didn't wanna be the Last Ho Standin', again. Then I just look like a HO... heh.

It was another day of ho-in' good fun & silliness. This week I was a HOrror Ho, since Casper ran off with Samara after he Ghost-Ho-ed me out. Pffft! Luckily this guy named Jason was there to pick up the pieces (the dismembered, body pieces, that is... mwa ha!)



So, I didn't get as many views as last time... started out at 18,108 and finished at 18,678. I think I actually frightened people off with my HOrrorific persona... *giggles madly*

I did lose one person offa my 360 friends list (dunno who??)... but gained another. So I broke even there, haha. And I totally dug my funny Ho-esque avatar this time. She was all sexAY right out of a coffin! I'm a freakkkk.

Anyway see my Ho Day post, if you haven't already (and don't miss the HOrrific HOrror movie titles in the comments, hee hee!)...

I am back to regular (unleaded?) Shady on 360 again. But I am keeping the scary knife userpic- I just like it, it's so... so... psycho... *bats eyelashes*

...and now, a totally random icon:

It's that time of year... Spring has sprung... I'm feeling frisky, and I am showing off my bloomers, again. Oh yeah. There are lots of pictures of them in this post... all sizes.. kinds... and colors... who wants to see?

Right this way.......

.................................

................................. ( click! )

...and now, a totally random icon:

So, at the suggestion of that hawt 360 mamacita known as the Karin-Meister (*wink*), I've decided that yes- I am going to start sharing some of my most-bizarre dreams with you all. Cause I have them allllllllllll the time. I am a big dreamer- I dream pretty much every night and almost always remember most of them. And, usually they are really, really WEIRD...

I swear I feel like I have a 'random dream generator' built into my head. My brain saves up all these bits of nonsense from throughout the day- movies I watch, things I see, conversations I have, etc... then mixes them all up with the crap that is floating around in my subconscious to make these insane little vignettes in my sleeping mind. For instance, I watched Dawn Of The Dead '04 (for the over-a-hundredth time) last night... had a conversation with someone about ren faires... and heard about this new apt-type complex that my Great-Gramma moved into... my twisted brain filed this away, filled in the blanks from who-TF-knows-where, and here is what it spit out...

Last night's dream:

I am driving in my truck with Lobo (at least I think it was Lobo- only, he looked like the Lobo that I first knew 15+ years ago in high school, so it was hard to tell) My truck was black for some reason (in actuality, it's blue)

We are on our way to some sort of ren faire-ish thing, at least I think, and I tell the 'guy' (Lobo-Of-The-Past?)... "I have been to the future, so I have seen the future. Something really bad happens. I think we should just keep on driving, get as far away from here as possible." To which he replies, "It doesn't matter if we try to get away from it- it won't change anything. Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen... regardless of what we do now."

So, we continue on to the fair and pull into the insanely-packed parking lot; the whole place is teeming with thousands of people everywhere. We park, get out, and start making our way through the crowds. A few minutes pass, and suddenly, we begin hearing screams and noticing little pockets of panic-motion all around...

Before long we realize- it's ZOMBIES!

And they are rapidly multiplying and spreading gory death-undeath throughout the crowd.

So we start running, and somehow we get back to my truck and try to drive out of there. But by now, it is full-on zombie-mayhem and ren-faire-panic-stampedes, and even trying to get out of the place is almost impossible.

But somehow, after some hardcore car-ramming and zombie-running-over, I make it out of the crowds, onto the road, and back into the city. But we can't get too far, as by now it's spreading everywhere and crap is blowing up, vehicles are wrecking all over the place, stuff like that. And my truck has got 2 flats and is all messed up. So I aim for the doors of a high-rise apt complex, skid up as close as I can get to them, and we run inside.

No use blocking the doors- they are flimsy, and we can hear screams inside so there's no use anyways. We are just running up stairs and down hallways, trying to avoid the undead and to find somewhere to hole up. Nobody will open up their doors to us though.

Finally, we are thinking we are goners, when one of the apt doors does open, and a little girl is all alone inside. A little girl (about 7 or 8-ish), with long, straight black hair and green eyes. Like a little Shady. Hmmmm. She's alone and freaking out, and I try to comfort her while Lobo-From-The-Past (?) is trying to barricade the door. She keeps saying that we are all going to die, and that I knew this from the beginning.

But she also says, "You know nothing could have changed this. Nothing."

I am totally terrified, and trying to comfort the Mini-Me while looking for some kind of weapons, all along having this knowing in my mind that nothing I do is going to save us, ultimately. We are in a dead end, and even though I knew from the beginning that something horrible was going to happen (I 'saw' it when I was 'in the future'...?), I always knew there was no going back to avoid it.

So, bit by bit the zombies pile up outside of the front door, slowly bashing away at it until it begins to give way. And we are standing at the door, trying to fend them off with golf clubs and baseball bats, but it is obvious that they will eventually pour in like a wave, and overwhelm us anyway...

Lobo-From-The-Past, Present Me, and Me-As-Kid are pretty much fighting a futile fight.

And that is when I woke up.



Now, all of my friends know that I am a total Zombie-FREAK, I am obsessed with them. Really obsessed. So this might have been just another of my numerous 'zombie dreams'... except for the weird time-warpy stuff. Why was I with Lobo of 15+ years ago, telling him that I have seen/been to the future? Why was there a little 'Mini-Shady' in my dream- essentially a 'me' from the past?? Why did my present persona know what was going to happen in the future, but knew there was nothing that would stop it in the present? WTF is up with my weird-ass dreams..??? LOL

Feel free to analyze, comment, or just plain laugh at me... *pokes tongue out*

And stay tuned for more freaky dreams from the tangled sheets of Shady madness in the near future...

...and now, a totally random icon:

So... am I the only freak who finds total sense of peace and beauty in cemeteries...? I always have. Maybe that's morbid, I dunno. But I have been exploring them and photographing them for as long as I can remember (see- here's me, graveyard-wandering at age 17)... they have always held a strange fascination for me.

I have been to tons of weird, spooky, and just plain bizzare locations for my site- 'haunted' places, abandoned buildings, lonely old roads, you name it- and oddly, out of all the places I've been... I have never, ever been 'spooked' in a cemetery. And I have been in cemeteries at all hours of the day and night. You think if I was gonna encounter something... unknown... it would be there, but... nope. Instead, I get a quiet feeling of peace when exploring them. I always have. And I have a great respect for their history and their tribute to those passed.

Sooo... I could tell you guys a whole bunch of graveyard tales. Or, I could just show you instead (well, those of you who haven't seen them, anyway... *wink*)... whaddaya think?? Ok, I shall!

Here- follow these links (if you are so inclined) for pictures & stories of some of my favorite cemetery trips (and trippy cemeteries!):



Chinese Graveyard:
A really strange old cemetery in San Antonio (explored while out wandering around digging up TX weirdness for the Weird Texas book), complete with 'No Witchcraft' (??!) signs..




Interstate Burial Ground:
millions of people each year pass right over a hidden NJ treasure as they drive a major freeway, without ever knowing it is there...




Tomb of 12 Nuns:
hidden in a shady (haha) NJ forest, this old, legendary tomb is the resting place of many spooky stories...




San Elizario Cemetery:
a dusty Old West TX cemetery complete with sinking plots, shallow graves, and a feathered guardian...


And... if you are still up for more cemetery stories and pics, I do have even more. Just check out this page here. Hope you enjoyed these pics & tales...

...and now, a totally random icon:

...that it never happened...
But it did!! Ack.



OK- a little background: this was someone I dated when I was in college. We had not gotten to the physical stage yet (luckily!!!) when he comes sauntering out one day... this cheap rubber monster mask in hand... and tells me about his little, umm, 'requirement'.

And I swear, it looked almost like the mask that I used in my image. Especially the crazy nappy mask-hair! *shudder*

Needless to say, I got the Hell out of there as fast as my little feet could carry me. Which was pretty damned fast. And then- talk about awkward- I had to see this guy all the time around campus afterward.

I have never told a soul about this (would you?? LOL) So it is really a secret-secret!!! I had really tried to wipe this memory from my brain altogether, but when I started contemplating the 'Exes' topic... it all came flooding back. And now I will have nightmares tonight. Thanks, Daisy, for coming up with such a traumatizing N3S topic... *pokes tongue out*

*goes away to rock back in forth in a corner somewhere*

Once again, this is for Daisy's 360 Not-So-Secret-Secrets project (the topic for this one was obviously 'Exes')

[My Not-So-Secret-Secrets Archive]

*disclaimer: NO that is not a picture of Mr. Mask, just a random tighty-whitey Ashton Kutcher pic that I Photoshopped- sorry, Kutch!!*

...and now, a totally random icon:

After all the recent ho-in', porn-o-matic shenaniganry lately, I thought I should get back to reality (reality... um, what's THAT???) and post a life update...



So, here I present the latest in the life and times of the Shadester.

Yes I am still in California. As I mentioned before, I did get the money to make it home (thanks again, my deardear friend... *sends love*), so no hitchhiking for me (the photo above- haha)... *phew*

I have stayed here a little longer due to a few factors... I had to wait for my new car insurance card in the mail, take care of an oil issue in my truck, and wait for my G Jo to make her plans to get to Phoenix, where I am gonna meet her on the halfway-point during the drive back to Texas. She's gonna be waiting for me at my aunty's house there, and be my co-navigator/cohort on the ride back home...

She is so so so so thrilled and grateful that I am coming home. She has been so worried, and also... she has really been missing me, she says (she was stressin' because she didn't have any $$$ to send me to help me get home- she had some free flight miles on SthWst- but that wouldn't help as I have my truck here and needed to drive home, and thus needed some cash for gas) Anyway... I am doing 'ok'... looking forward to getting home and seeing my beloved pets. I will be heading to Phoenix this weekend, so I can meet up with Gramma.

I'm kinda nervous about the first half of the trip, when I will have to go it alone... usually I am ok on lone-road-trips... but my self confidence has just taken a big blow after the, um, 'incident', and I am not yet back to feeling myself (huhhuh huhhuh I said feeling myself). But I am doing my best to look to the future. I can really start working on my life when I get home. But in the meantime, I wanted you guys to know that I am safe now, and hanging in there, and that I will finally be back in Texas very soon.

And that's about the updatey-est I can get right now, I guess. I'm not doing much at the moment other than biding my time... blogging, reading (The Demonologist by Gerald Brittle), playing with Jack- the big black kitty cat who lives here. Not much else to say update-wise.

So, now, I'll give you a peek into my warped wickle brain with a whole random stream of non-connected thought-blurbs:

I have been having lots of headaches. I have also been eating lots of takeout Chinese food (damn you, MSG!!) Yes, I am in a bubble bath in my current 360 userpic, no I was not alone (the extra arm on the right totally gives it away) The same person who was in there with me, was also the same person I was actually photographing in the Casper/Ghost Ho pic, I Photoshopped her out. She was (well, still is) a gorgeous blonde. I miss her a whole f**king lot. I don't smoke (cigarettes.. heh heh), but I have been smoking a lot a cloves lately for some reason. I miss taking pictures. I have resolved to get out and photograph for fun more often. I need to take more pictures of flowers, and sunsets, and the moon. I have been having dreams about houses. Again. I seem to be having a lot of bizarre dreams lately. I miss my cat, Sabre, really bad. It kills me when I hear him meow over the phone. I love all the good friends I have here on LJ. I feel some real connections with some of you guys. I hate the way the contestants scream out, 'good answer, good answer, good answer!!' on Family Feud, even if the answer is a stupid one. I found out last night that lavendar Heather (the flower) means 'solitude'. I wasn't surprised.

I am really, really scared of my future right now. But I am even more scared of my past.

And... that's about it for now. I am gonna go watch some more the episodes of Lost that I have on my laptop. Cyber-hugs to all of you out there that have taken the time to listen, send love & advice, help me through these things, and just plain make me laugh. Thank you.

...and now, a totally random icon:

So, it's 'Ho Day' over on 360 (see my page here, complete with Ho-some userpics) Everyone is all ho-ed out over there! I thought I'd share a little of the madness with you all...



How did I become the Ghost Ho you ask?? Well, it all started off during this photoshoot I did for 'Barely Dead' magazine... the model was so sexy, so forward, so... so.... friendly...



As a photographer I try to maintain an air or professionalism during my shoots. But this ghosty talked me into doing the shoot in my under-things. And before long, he was getting.. well, under... things...

One thing led to another...



...and soon my professionalism flew out the window like a spirit in the night. I told you he was FRIENDLY!!!

And thus, I became known as the Ghost Ho.
The End!

Enjoy my Ho-esque 360 userpics while they're up (am I a real HO for using actual pics of myself on Ho Day?? Ooops. Oh and even my Yahoo avatar got ho-ed out today... ho, ho, ho-ray!)

NOTE: No ghosts were harmed during the making of this post. The photos of me are real. The ghost is not. Viva La Photoshop!!

...and now, a totally random icon:

Made In The Shade
by/starring Shady Mazterbaetti

There you are, lounging around the living room wearing nothing but Saran wrap when suddenly the doorbell rings. Surprised, you stash the inflatable sheep under the couch and are happy to see four Jehovah's Witnesses sensuously eating a popsicle. As the cheesy music begins you can't help yourself, so you let yourself be taken on the spot, awed by the size of the asses that confront you. Before you know it a car pulls up and it's all the Playboy centerfolds from the last ten years arguing over who will have you first. Being the gracious host, you spank all of them, much to their delight.

You pass out more popsicles. The air is thick with the smell of someone's cheap perfume as 13 people are now writhing in a pile on the kitchen counter sucking. You're completely absorbed in it, never having enjoyed so many people sucking at once.

Suddenly you look up and see a film crew staring at you and you grin foolishly. You're caught! They give you a chalkboard so you can keep score next time and you turn them over to the Jehovah's Witnesses as the cheesy music fades out.

The End.

Sponsored by:
Juicy Julie
Lusty Laura

As seen on Pickle's 360 blog... naughty, naughty Pickles!!! I just could not resist this one... haaaaadto do it. Had to. Tee hee.

Ok, now your turn- use Plot-O-Matic (look for the porn-o-matic link on the sidebar of the plot-o-matic site) & Romance Novel Cover Generator. Let me know if you've made one, you bad bad naughty people...

*spank!!* (oh you like that, don't you???) *spank, spank!!*

...and now, a totally random icon:

Shady & The Tramp

an original romance horror novel concept

by Shady

A Romance Horror Zomedy: An antisocial loner (Shady) teams up with a well-built female cyborg (The Technologically Randy Armored Mechanical Prostitute- aka T.R.A.M.P.) to save the earth from zombie-aliens. In the process they storm the zombie nest- a haunted house- and have mad passionate sex with a ghost, live on webcam. By the end of the novel they blow up 666 undead ewoks and end up winning the admiration of their universe, living happily ever after.

Think sex lies and videotape meets Shaun Of The Dead.
----------------------------------------------------

Hee hee. That was my creation for Pickle's Romance Novel Cheese Challenge on 360 (made using the Plot-O-Matic, albeit a bit tweaked by me, & the Romance Novel Cover Generator)... a much-needed bit of comic relief and fun- thanks, Pickles!! *goofy smile*

In other news... as you all might guess, I am still a bit lost in TurmoilLand. Yes, the title of this post has a double-meaning. I saw a teeny spider in the bathtub today and was like... 'I know just how you feel, spidey'... trying to scrabble up the slick, slippery slopes and hoping nobody turns the water on. Despite the bravado and hope I poured into my last post... my insides are still topsy-turvey. I am, minute-to-minute, a fierce warrior woman... a scared little lamb... an ancient old woman... a flash in the pan... a precious gift... a tightly-closed clam... and starting to sound too damned much like a Dr. Suess ham.

And I absolutely cannot get that Pat Benatar song- 'Invincible'- out of my head... *sings* 'We can’t afford to be innocent... Stand up and face the enemy... It’s a do or die situation... We will be invinciiiiiible'...

I am hanging on and hanging in. I know I've said it before, but the in-F'ing-credible amount of support, comments, and messages I have been (and still am) receiving from my LJ Family are just wonderful. You people rock. I never, ever imagined that I had such support & love, and I thank you all for showing me differently. You are a bunch of amazing human beings.

And a special thanks to DEB on 360, who posted the most beautiful entry dedicated to me, and to all those who have left such lovely comments to me there...

*group hugs to you all*

(whoops I almost typo-ed 'grope hugs to you all'... erm, heh, calling Dr. Freud... come in, Freud...! *slaps forehead*)

I am still in California, but as I mentioned before- in a safe place, and taking care of myself. The weather here has finally warmed, flower blooms are peeking out colorfully all over the place, and I can hear the birdsong outside as I type this. It does my heart good. I will most likely be leaving for home at the end of this week, because my dear beloved Gramma Jo wants to fly out and meet me in Phoenix (pretty much the halfway point of my drive home, and my aunt lives there) so that she can accompany me back on the last part of my journey. This rocks- as I adore my lively, red-headed G Jo, she's one of my bestest friends, the most un-Grandma-like Gramma, and a ton of fun to be with. It will be a nice way to arrive home... I'm calling it our 'Gramma & Louise' (without the convertible) I will definitely keep you all updated.

Next, stay tuned for my entry in another 360 challenge- Scott's Road Trip Challenge- where I will share with you all the tale of how I had a Dorothy Gale moment as I almost got sucked up by a Tennessee tornado. Heh. I know I'm a little behind on these challenges... recent circumstances and all... anyway, this one is right up my (dark & deserted!) alley... (and these 360 challenges are really helping me to have a little fun right now... *smile*)

...and now, a totally random icon:

'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom --Anais Nin'



So, by now whoever read the last post knows about me getting hit. For the record- yes, it was a male that did the hitting. I am still in California, but I am safe right now. I will be heading home veryvery soon (thanks to an amazingly good person who donated some get-home money to me, and wishes to remain anonymous)

This has obviously been a really rough (in every sense) experience. It has caused major turmoil in my life and brought up a lot of things from my past that are hard to bear. My face still hurts, physically (though the swelling is going down) My heart still feels fragmented. My mind is still reeling, but I am thinking straighter now. I have been thinking a LOT, in fact. I guess that would go without saying.

I am not one to forgive physical violence, never have been. As I said in my last post, I was physically abused by a stepfather when I was young... and watched my Mom go through it even worse than we did... it left me with nothing but disgust for anyone who uses violence as a means to deal with issues. Especially someone bigger/stronger pounding away on someone smaller/weaker. All of my life I have had a No(F'ing-way)-Tolerance policy toward that kind of behavior. I avoid it, I cut off anyone who shows any signs of it, I thought it was something I would never, ever have to deal with again. Apparently I thought wrong. Let me say- there were absolutely no signs of this beforehand. And a lot of factors went into it, none of which I really can talk about here. Perhaps someday, when things are resolved, I can explain this more. But not yet.

There are no excuses for what happened. But life is never, ever simple (duh) As much as this should be an easy, b & w issue for me, I'm finding out that this time it is not. This whole thing is much more complicated than, again, what I am at liberty to say here. I have a lot of things to work out in my mind, and in my life. Things that have gone to the wayside as I have been sinking further into work, travel, and other distractions. I thought I was taking life one day at a time. And, in a way I have been... which has actually blinded me to the Big Picture. And the picture is this- while my online relationships are mostly clearly defined and emotionally stable, my IRL ones are not. Not even close. There are a lot of things relating to them that have to be attended to. NOW.

I wandered outside yesterday, after who-knows-how many hours of numbness, and brain-chaos... and my eye was caught by this single flare of color that looked like a flame nestled in the green. It was the beautiful rose above, which I shot that picture of. I stopped, and just stared at it for the longest time... the fiery blossom hypnotizing me... soothing me... I was thinking about how flowers blossom over and over... thinking about the concept of 'blossoming'... thinking about the name my Mom gave me at birth- 'Heather'- also a blossom... even thinking about the Heather character in Highlander (one of my favorite characters in that film), who was called 'Blossom' as an affectionate nickname by her immortal lover. Blossom. The very word itself suggests such possibility, such chance for renewal. Inspiring me to move ahead with my life... inspiring me to renew, and to open up to change.

I need to blossom now.

I will be ok. The smallest beginings of a plan have been formulating. The first thing I need to do is get back home, which will be happening very soon. Once home, I have a whole lot of life issues to deal with... a whole lot. But, for the first time, I see the tiniest glimmer of light and the end of a (hopefully old, abandoned and maybe even haunted??) tunnel. As long as it's not an oncoming train, haha.

I didn't want to put any specifics about the hitting incident out here in the public, and I still don't, so this is difficult for me to explain. The reason why? So many of these unresolved situations in my life right now involve other people, it's complex, and their issues and their privacy are a consideration of mine. Especially because so many things in my personal life are up in the air right now... it's not something I can go into any detail about without also involving others that I do not want to involve in a public forum. These are some of the things I need to work out when I get back home.

So, I will say this: I am safe, I am ok. I am heading back home. I have gathered my strength, and I am going to come through this. I have a lot to face in upcoming months, but I also have my hope back. I have felt the smashing pain of rock bottom and have no desire to be here again. And I know many things need to change in order for that to happen.

_boxinghelena, bob_bobinson, anodyne19148, groovy_violet, alexlucard, ninevah, gedion_ki, batchix, bound_gagged, gervgirl, das_hydra, fenrir1981, moggs, direwraithe, kgm13, sunlitx, Marci, Liason, and H.E.A.L.- THANK YOU... thank you for your words, your love, your support, your kindness, your wisdom. Thank you for being there for me, in one of the lowest moments of my life. Thank you for caring. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for thinking of me. Your network of concern and care have helped to pull me back up from the void, have given me the power to do what I need to get done. I value each and every one of you beyond measure. Thank you for being there for me.

Raysie, Casper, & ETMJ- you guys will never, ever know how much I love you. I can't express it in words. I only hope that I can repay your friendship in turn, with the same degree of amazingness you have shown to me. Hearing your voices on the phone, having your words via IM to give me strength... the value is immeasurable to me. I love you guys.

Again- I will be ok. I promise you all- I will be safe, I will be smart, I will be home soon. Ready to face the changes, ready to blossom.

*ad astra per aspera*

*sings* Oooh ooh ooohooohoooh, I gotta new Ava-Tuuuude! Errm Avatar!!! Yeah- my new Yahoo avatar, check it out (on the left, w/profile pics, little cartoony face, click it for full view baby)! The new hairstyle ROCKS, I actually do my hair like that all the time... see, above? Oh see and in my flickr tree-climbin' picture too!? *woot*

(and yes, I was kinda drunk in that photo above- a rarity- hence the gooftastic facial expression... go ahead at laugh if you want!)

Now, on to the actual point of my post (yep there is one) I said I'd post reminders here about the Thursday night chats, and, it's Thursday, so, well... REMINDER!! *poke, poke*

We will be chatting live tonight, in the Lost Diner chatroom... I invite you all to join us, my friends. Don't be shy... *smile*

The chat begins at 9 pm EST (see this page to find out when that converts to your time zone; there is also a live countdown to chat time there) Hope to see you there!

*waves, runs off to make the virtual coffee*

...and now, a totally random icon:

Come and discover my virtual lair... come in and join me, if you dare...



Some of you have been there before, yes. But many of you have not. So, in my quest to let you all know me a little better, I would like for you to come visit my personal home on the web, if you'd like (if you dare! Mwaa ha)

It's my own little corner of the 'net... and rumor has it- it is haunted. But perhaps you should see for yourself. As you wander through my 'home'... keep in mind... there are hidden passageways, secret tunnels, and other strange things at every turn. Pull on a candelabra, push a secret panel in a wall or a painting, and you may find yourself in some dark and spooky place with who-knows-WHAT lurking in the shadows (really- try it out for yourselves!) But don't say I didn't warn you.

Of course, inside my 'home'... you will find my boudoir... my foyer... my parlor... my attic... where you can discover my many personal photo albums... background bio information... links to things both silly and strange. There is also a map of the place (including the creepy cemetery outside of my 'home') and a whole bunch of documents chronicling the history behind the many restless spirits that roam it's halls. But I must warn you- beware of the little ghostly girl holding the dolly... she's a mean one.

So, come visit me there, if you are not afraid of ghosts. We're dying (haha, dying!) to see you...

You will find my Virtual Lair right here. All graphics, web design, and Shady toons (including the photo & toon combo above) created by me.

Enjoy!! [insert eveeeel laughter here]

...and now, a totally random icon:

Nope, not like that, you pervy-pervs... I mean in the emotional way. Hey, stop booing! :P



Lately, I have been thinking about blogging... words, and meanings... things left behind on these electronic pages... and what it all means in the long run. If I was to, say, get run over by a bus-full of nuns today, what would be left here to represent my written 'legacy'? At this point, it's mostly tomfoolery... silly monkey dreams and links to funny cat videos... odes to my sneakers... with the very occasional real glimpse into my brain. And I don't want that to be all there is.

I really admire those of you who let it all hang out, blogwise. You put your everyday feelings and experiences out there for all to see. And I've been wondering why I never do the same... yes, I post here, but so often on such a scratching-the-surface kind of mode peppered with sprinklings of goofiness to give it a nice sugary coating. I want to do more.

So, that's me up there, in a candid photo, caught unguarded, unposed... my odd lopsided smile full-on display. I thought it fitting for this particular post. Candid is the name of this game.

I have always considered myself a 'writer', way before I ever got anything actually published for real. And by writer I mean- my main means of communication, the real deal ME, has always shone through much more clearly in the written word. So why do I avoid letting the world glimpse inside, here in my journal??

I feel it's time to change all of that.

So, I have made a decision (ack- the D word!! *shudders*) I am going to post more open, revealing, and yes nekkid (not like that... sheesh you guys!) entries from now on. For better or worse, I am going to let you all see more of the real me, and what goes on in my life, my heart, and my tweeested wickle brain...

So let's start with the basics. I am a 33 year old girl (errm, woman??)... born and raised inthe desert border city of El Paso, Texas. Oddly enough I never claimed myself as a 'Texan' until I spent many years living/traveling far from my birthplace... and the return to my home made me realize- yes, that's what I am.

I am shy, insecure, anxious at times... I am a picky eater, wrestle with insomnia, and am prone to getting ill. I am not good at making friends IRL. I barely have any relationship at all with my family. I am also very loving, and friendly (beneath the shyness), and ultimately hope-filled (sometimes to the point of idealism)... I am goofy, I love to make people laugh, and I'm extremely generous. I am totally loyal to the ones I love. I love to read, love to write, and think that if I had to stop photographing things I would cease to breathe- that's how much a part of me my photography is. And I am insanely in love with my precious pets (3 kitties, 2 dogs, and 4 very cool goldfish)... to a ridiculous degree.

I didn't graduate high school; I got a GED at 17. I went to 5 years of college (Art Major) but I never got a degree. I have worked in a fast food joint... haunted house... library... strip club... department store... among other myriad things. I have never been any good at the 9-5 thing. I haven't had a 'real' job in over 10 years now. The camera has paid my bills- I have been both behind it and in front of it- for a long time now. And so I'm broke half (Hell, most) of the time, but I'd rather this, than do the 9-5. The 'starving artist' term describes me to a T.

And that's a bit of me, in a nutshell (which is a very appropriate recepticle) I will be posting more of these revealing-type entries from now on, so stay tuned...

...and now, a totally random icon:

As seen on, well, a zillion blogs since the beginning of blogdom- it's Q&A time, folks. Got a burning (or lukewarm, or even room temperature) question for me?

This is the time to ask.

Ask me anything... from the silly to the serious. If you wanna know, ask it now. Comment with your question/s, I will answer them here. Now, 1-2-3... go!

[Shady caricature by my dear & crazy Aussie pal, Dan Dofogh, aka Senor Stinky!]

...and now, a totally random icon:

Yes, I do realize that we are on N3S #4. But see, I didn't start playing until #2. And so I have felt behind the game ever since I got started. So, I did a time-warp, jumped into a wormhole, and went back to make my N3S #1. And, here 'tis...



As silly as the format of this card may be, this is a serious secret for me. Now, I know that some of you are gonna go- shy? Shady, you're not shy!! But, really- I am. I assure you.

My real life persona is vastly different from my online one. It's so so so so much easier for me to interact with the shield of the keyboard and the Internet between me and others. In real life, I am always the shy, quiet one in the corner. When I do try to talk, I come off as goofy, geeky, and awkward. I swear I have the personality of Fred, from the tv show Angel (especially Fred just after she came back from that alternate dimension, and was writing on walls and afraid to leave her room! Oi) If you are an Angel-watcher, you are prolly laughing at me right now.

But it is true.

Posting in my blogs is not a big deal for me. I love to write. I love to create graphics and post my photography. But see, that does not involve interaction. The comments DO, and that's where it gets sticky.

As I have said before- I lurv getting comments from you guys. But there is always this little thing inside of me, that fears the occasional meanie comment (...usually those come from strangers, not you guys that know me. But still.) And going out and commenting on everyone else's blogs can be really intimidating for me. It's like being back in junior high... and walking into a packed cafeteria where everyone is already grouped off/having conversations... and having to find a place to sit amongst everyone, and then open my mouth and start talking. Eeek. I feel like... 'Why can't I be more clever?? Why can't I be funnier? Why do I sound so awkward and dorky?? Aggh!'

I know I should comment on the blogs of others more than I do. Part of it is time constraints, yeah. But another, more dorky part of it is just me, being insecure and SHY. Yes- shy. But, I am trying. I am working on it. I am trying to make an effort to get out there and comment in the blogs of others.

I guess I just need to get over this geeky junior high complex, eh?

[As always, this N3S made for RaysieDaisy's Not-So-Secret-Secrets project]

Oh and see my N3S postcard archive here.

...and now, a totally random icon:

Happy Bunny-Day, folks...



I am not a big Easter person... never liked eggs, or pastel colors, or waking up early. But I do like bunnies! So I'd like to take this day to introduce you all to my favorite bunny of all, for those of you who haven't met him yet...


Meet Bruce!

He was given to me by a very dear friend, _boxinghelena (thanks, Shelley dear!!) He is a stuffed, knit, adorably undead bunny and I named him after Bruce Campbell. I take him everywhere with me, pretty much, and he's one of my favorite photographic subjects.

He's been having some crazy adventures since I got him... but, why go into detail when you can SEE FOR YOURSELF?? Yes, Bruce has a photo gallery- see Bruce with kitty... Bruce at Coyote Ugly... Bruce getting wasted in a hotel room and, errm, getting inappropriate with my Sock Monkey... Bruce waving his wee glow sticks at his first rave... and more...

It's all right here.
Go check it out. And give him some sugar, baby!

*makes rabbit ears on self*

...and now, a totally random icon:

Ok, you know how when you are trying to sleep, certain little outside noises can just grind into your brain and penetrate to the very core of your subconscious???

Let me say- I thought I knew that feeling before. But now I have experienced the nightmarish cacophony of chickens, clown horns, and tuba bass lines. Yeah- you heard me right.

This is a Saturday morning in a suburb in Riverside, California. The bawk-bawk-BAWKA!-ing of chickens (yeah- chickens). The irritating honka honka of one of those clown horns (apparently on some vendor's homemade cart). And the ever-repeating annoyingness of a tuba bass line (cumbia music blaring from next door- and the polka-esque bass line is all you can hear). This is what is was hearing as I tried and tried to fall asleep while ever-brightening sunlight filled the room. Ugh!

I just woke up now (and it's after 5 pm)

And... I had the most bizarre dream! Was it affected by the aural discordance from outside? Who the Hell knows. But here is how it went...

I am shopping in a Walmart. Suddenly the employees are running around, willynilly. Seems a monkey is loose inside the store (they were selling monkeys, in Walmart, in my dream. OK- I know it's weird). It was swinging from the track lighting and leaping across the tops of aisles. Nobody could catch it. Chaos ensues.

I go to the open doors, step outside, and wait patiently. Quietly. Cunning and monkey-ready. And sure enough, the fuzzy dude finally makes his dash for freedom... running outside... and right into my waiting arms.

The Walmart employees are so grateful for my heroic monkey-capture, that they give me a free Coke. Yeah, a Coke. And I thought monkey-wrangling would be so much more rewarding!

Maybe I should just invest in a pair of ears plugs...?

...and now, a totally random icon: