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piecing it together

Well, that was considerably more than a 'few days', huh...? Sorry!! But- I'm baaaaa-aack... (and this is gonna be a long one, so you are forewarned, ha...)

So let me tell you my latest tale of real-life dramarama and misadventure, heheh. As I said before, I was planning on getting back to the regular blogging (and, the online thing in general) after I got back to the Land of the Living (or at least the Technological)... which I was intending to do. I had spent the past few months on the road, traveling and thinking... trying to get my shit together and decide where to go from the ground zero of

I did eventually come back to El Paso, and my Gramma's house, where all of my worldy stuffsesses have been sitting since I was essentially rendered homeless by evil deeds. I had left my 'puter here. Well, in my absence, my sister oh-so-thoughtfully decided to invade my room and make use of it- and whatever was in it- to her little heart's desire... which included my computer. Which she used to go onto- blech- myspace... repeatedly... even after I had asked her not to. See, that vile little malware virus that was implanted on myspace recently had totally wiped Lobo's Mom's computer out, and I definitely feared having mine suffer the same fate, so I had asked her not to use my machine to log onto that site. Little did she listen, and as a result, she infected my computer with the nasty malware that over a million other people got hit with (yep I am one of those anti-automatic-Windows-update folk so I got slammed) Ughghhhh! Anyway, we ended up having to completely wipe my hard drive, and reconfigure my machine totally... all of which left me sans computer access for quite awhile (we are still re-installing programs even now, oi) Sooooo... that's where I have been, 'net-wise.

Life-wise... well, that's not quite so easy to sum up.

I am still coming to terms with all that has happened to me in the past few months. Getting away from everything was definitely good for me, though. I've had a chance to re-examine how I got to where I am now, and to think about how to go about reconstructing my life. It took the distance of getting away from my past situation to see how totally controlled I have been for a really long time, and I feel so free now. It feels good and scary all at once, but definitely more good than scary. I am once again my own person, and for the first time in YEARS have free access to my own vehicle, my own paychecks, my own bank account... and even a current I.D. (I was not 'allowed' to have open access to any of these things for years)... One of the reasons I have avoided posting here in the last few months is that every other time I posted an entry, I would get a threatening IM, message, or phone call from my ex, telling me to 'amend' my post or else he would publicly trash me on his blogs (for some reason I don't understand he was/is(?) still keeping a close watch on me via my blogs, even after leaving) I was even actually intimidated into going back and deleting previous posts I had made about the relationship ending, because he literally ordered me to do it. I even edited the posts themselves to take out the parts he told me to take out. Once I got some distance from the situation, I was like... WTF AM I DOING???

Yes- he has posted some slanderous things about me in his blogs in retaliation, and it hurt me, because some of the people I that thought were my friends on here (and IRL) actually believed that crap, and turned against me. But now I know that this was all just more of the same cycle of extreme control that has been going on all along. And I do not have to submit to that nonsense. And anyone who bought into that farce was not my friend in the first place, anyway. And...... I AM going to be ok.

I have to also make this clear- I am going to have to delete anyone from my friends list who has my ex on their friends list. I am not doing this to be petty, I assure you. I am doing this on the advice of legal counsel, I cannot have any ties- no matter how far removed- to him whatsoever anymore (especially so because, I suspect that someone on my friends list is showing him my private friends-only entries) This has nothing to do with the control issue, or relationship issues, or anything of that sort... because I do consider those things to be between he and I, and nobody else's problem to deal with. Relationship issues, issues of trust and dishonesty, are one thing. BUT. He has commited several actual criminal acts- things that there are ample written and even videoptaped (!) evidence of- and I have to seperate myself from any contact with him as the pending legalities play out. So there is nothing personal in this action, I have been advised legally that I need to do this, and so I am definitely going to do what I need to do to protect myself from here on out.

Whew. This post turned out to be wayyyyy more emotionally-loaded than I ever intended. But I needed to clear the air. I will be posting some upcoming stuff that will be a lot more fun to read very shortly, I promise!

Until then (and, I promise, it won't be long)... I hope all of you out there in blogland are doing well... I have MISSED YOU GUYS... I am looking forward to getting back into the blogadelic swing of things and catching up on what's happening with everyone. Hugs all around...

...and now, a totally random icon:

Ooh looky it's the totally random, ever-changing icon o' fun!!


( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:19 am (UTC)
*hughug* We missed you too~ ;n;// I'm glad you're okay. :3
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:21 pm (UTC)
Awww... thanks, it feels good to be back. I have missed you!!!! *hughughuggedyhug*
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:22 pm (UTC)
Wow, thank you so much. I have missed LJ and all of my friends here. It is good to be back...
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
Glad I got to talk to ya for a bit, you've definitely been missed, Shady. :)
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:23 pm (UTC)
Hell yeah Uzi.... it was great to get to chat with you again, finally (sorry I 'disappeared'... massive computer-brain-freezeup oi) I have missed you tons.... *mega-smoky-hugs*
(no subject) - smokyscott - Aug. 31st, 2006 04:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 07:00 am (UTC)
Yeah - I read - shi-ite. As long as it's all on the upward climb, then that's the important thing, you know? :) Still good to see you back - and I hope that everything starts chugging along again with total abandon :)

(PS: I don't know the ex... in RL or LJ, so I think I'm clear :))
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:25 pm (UTC)
Yay oz!!!!! Dayum I have missed you people, LOL. Now that I am back and hearing from you guys again it's hitting me hard... you have been very missed and I am glad to be back among you. Thanks for the welcome-back my friend....

Aug. 30th, 2006 07:47 am (UTC)
You are loved. You were missed.

Welcome back.
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:27 pm (UTC)
Awwww. THANK YOU. That means the whole damned world to me, and I appreciate the welcoming-back... I have missed you too....

Aug. 30th, 2006 09:20 am (UTC)
I don't really know you at all (insofar as we've never actually spoken, although your excellent prose on Lost Destinations does give me an inkling.) but I've been concerned for your wellbeing. Heaven knows what it must have been like for those close to you while you've been away.

You're clearly audacious, intrepid to the bone, and that must be very stressful for those that care about you! Glad that you're safe and mistress of your own destiny, as well you should be.

Aug. 30th, 2006 11:31 pm (UTC)
'Allo devalmont... and sorry that we have 'met' under these circumstances, which, to say the least, have been pretty damned extreme for me lately. I appreciate your concern and wellwishes.... it means much more than I can put into words at the moment.

I am sorry if I worried anyone.... I was in touch with my Grandmother (who was passing along the info to my family/friends here locally) while I was away.... but I wasn't able to get online and update everyone here. So I apologize if I worried you all. I didn't mean to.

I am back home, back online, and doing better than I have in years, so hope you don't mind seeing a lot more of me in the near-future! And thanks again for the kind words.....
Aug. 30th, 2006 10:37 am (UTC)
Glad to see you back and on the path the a healthier new existence. No one needs a controller like that, you're going just just bloom&bloom without that over your head. Welcome back, Miss Shady!
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:34 pm (UTC)
THANK you. That means a lot to me. And your icon perfectly sums up how I am feeling at the moment... a bit of beauty in life after a terrible storm. I am already feeling tons better and much happier. I have missed you, and really appreciate the welcome-back and the kindness.... thanks!!!

Aug. 30th, 2006 10:43 am (UTC)
Glad you're back - like devalmont, I found you through 'Lost' and have been worried about you the last little while.

For what it's worth (and to a much lesser extent), I've come through an incredibly controlling relationship and realised I was far stronger as a result. You *seem* to be coping with it incredibly well and the fact that you can be open about it is fantastic.

Have friended you now rather than lurking in the background. It's nice to see you online again. :)

Ebb x
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:36 pm (UTC)
Hi Ebb... so good to meet you. I have friended you back & look forward to getting to know you!

I appreciate your words about my situation. For awhile now I have felt stupid/weak/ashamed at the situation that I let myself get into, but hearing things like that makes me feel stronger. I realize the only way to go is forward and so I'm going that way. I think I will be ok in time.

Again- I'm glad to meet you! Thanks for friending.... *huggy*
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:28 am (UTC)
You don't know how happy I am that you're back!!!! Yippie!!! *HUGS* ;o)

That's just really low if someone is showing your ex your locked posts!!
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
I am happy to be back, and extremely happy to see you again m'dear- yayayayay!! I am really sorry if I worried you with my absence. My brain was about to explode and I just needed some hardcore 'alone' time, which I found while out on the road.

Yeah... I suspect someone(??) on my friends list may be showing him my private posts because he seems to know what I have posted there and he sure as Hell isn't on my friends list, so how else could it be. I have not looked at his LJ or anything else of his after that first horrible time... because I figured out pretty quickly that that was gonna lead to bad baaaad things. I have stayed away from all of his online stuff completely since then. It's beter that way. I just keep hoping that he will do the same.

Anyway enough of that- I am just GLAD to be back cause I have missed you guys tremendously. I love ya and am so glad to hear from you... thanks for everything!! *huggyhughug*
Aug. 30th, 2006 01:33 pm (UTC)
I wondered where the hell you've been. Glad to see you're back.
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:45 pm (UTC)
I have been to Hell, back, to Hell, back again... with a few pit stops along the way, heh. Mostly I have been driving around aimlessly in CA/AZ and trying to sort my brain out. I am back in Texas now and doing tons better. I have missed you a LOT!! Thanks for the welcome-back....

Aug. 30th, 2006 04:41 pm (UTC)
+i have his name cuz i dont exactly know how to delete it can u tel me how?
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:51 pm (UTC)
To delete from your friends list, you go to the main page (livejournal.com), then Manage, then Friends..... then go to Edit Friends..... find the name you want to remove in the bottom list of names, check the Delete box, and then hit Save Changes down at the bottom of the page.

As I said... I am not trying to be petty... but I have been advised by legal counsel to completely sever all ties so I am trying to follow their advice.

I have missed you, hope that you have been doing well... hopefully we will catch up soon yeah? *hugs*
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
Welcome back ShadyLady
Missed you... glad to hear you're getting your shiznat straight and whatnot. Are the LD chats gonna start up again?

love, licks and lollipops,
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:54 pm (UTC)
Re: Welcome back ShadyLady
Gregoryyyyyy!! Yay!!!! OMG I have missed you terribly.

The LD chats are prolly gonna resume starting next week, on Tuesdays instead of Thursdays (because we want to make sure Casper can attend regularly and Thrursdays are no longer do-able for her with her new work sched)

I will post a reminder about it here to let you know cause I definitely hope to see you there. it's so great to be back in touch with you!!!

*mega super hugs*
Aug. 30th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
Welcome back. Let's all hope for an expeditious legal proceeding so you can get yourself healed and back at 100%!! :)
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you hells... all I can say is, thank the gods for good attorneys, heh.

I will be back and posting right away, I have been absent toooo damned long and I miss all of my LJ friends. Thanks so much for the welcome-back, I appreciate it muchly :)
Aug. 31st, 2006 01:43 am (UTC)
I'm not one of your friends . . .
but I also don't know your ex either. But if I see him in Wyoming, I promise to kick him right in the shins.

It's good to see you back and healing though. Your special sort of whimsey and wonder has been missed.
Aug. 31st, 2006 01:53 am (UTC)
Re: I'm not one of your friends . . .
Awwww, THANKS :)

And you are so one of my friends! Well umm, you are now. Dunno why you were not on the list previously... you shoulda been... why don'tcha go ahead and kick ME in the shins for being a dummyhead? Heh.

Seriously, thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot... *hugsessess*
Re: I'm not one of your friends . . . - twilightmage - Aug. 31st, 2006 03:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 31st, 2006 07:20 pm (UTC)
I've been wondering where you've been! glad to see you back! what was the banner on myspace with the virus? I've been hearing alot about that virus so i've been scared to log onto myspace.
Sep. 1st, 2006 12:21 am (UTC)
Thanks, dear... it is good to be back amongst friends :) I have missed you tons!!!! *HUG*

I am not sure what the banner was, it was an ad banner that was on every single myspace page for awhile and it installed a malware virus onto computers (over a MILLION were infected!) The same virus completely wiped out Lobo's Mom's new computer, laaaaame.

I do believe that they have removed the banner now, but I have issues with myspace anyway (myspace users hotlinking images from my site have cost me hundreds of dollars in bandwidth and endless hours of work trying to block them, oi) so I never EVER go on there. My computer got infected because while I was out of town my sister snuck onto my computer and was using it for her myspace stuff, arrgh..!!!
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )